I'm a guy in my thirties and seem attractive enough that with dating apps I can get a few dates a week with people that I actually find promising. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm decent looking, successful, altruistic (transitioned from investment banking to being a homelessness nonprofit executive), well-read/traveled/spoken, have a few hobbies and all that. When I get into a long-term relationship, people tend to like me a lot; all the long-term ones were ended by me.
However, I seem to be turning off the majority of people I meet on the first date. On one hand I don't end up clicking with about 80% of people I meet, but of those I do, about 80% turn me down for a second date - while I would have expected the success among people I seem to click with to be higher.
I'd like to mention a few things that I think might be off and that I could change with some effort, and I'm curious how much of that is genuine incompatibility with who I am, vs. things I really should work on.
- I ask people a lot of deep reflective questions about themselves and about what they're looking for in a relationship, and share a lot about myself - like "what makes you get out of bed every morning" or "is there something in common between all the art you love?" or "what's your philosophy of getting to know someone?" - on one hand I am genuinely looking for people who like reflecting on such questions, and I connect really well with those who do - but perhaps it's too much for a first date?
- I tend to often speak rather formally, without intending it. I've heard feedback that my questions above can come across like a job interview, even though I'm just trying to peek into their heart I guess.
- Sometimes the conversation comes to sharing things that didn't work in a previous relationship. I don't bash my exes, but I might mention that e.g. an ex was an all around amazing person but was very judgmental and it ended up making me feel insecure around her. I share this because it is important for me to get a read on how the person relates to their partner's flaws - e.g. sometimes I hear "oh yeah I do that too" and then I know I don't want a second date. But maybe I should wait longer with this?
- I have a bit of a flat affect, listening and speaking monotonously or with little facial expression, and little eye contact. I think I'm modulating my voice and my face, but apparently it's not working haha. One person described that seeing me listen to her feels like I'm "waiting for the punchline".
- I'm generally a lot more intense on the first date than I am once things have settled down - in everyday life I joke around, talk much more calmly and about more everyday/silly subjects. I have a big range of intensity and seriousness/silliness, and I like people who are this way, too - I think on the first date I'm just trying to as quickly as possible learn as much as possible about them and communicate as much as possible about myself - but perhaps it comes across as over-eager/intimidating?
Any advice?
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