This one was a whirlwind, so I'll probably make a few different posts to address the different issues... The basics here. I met her on tinder. She was my 2nd ever match on there. We liked each other, hooked up, and were together for nearly a year. I loved her, she was so many great things to me, but there were a few things nagging on my mind. Personal insecurities of mine, unattractive habits of hers, differing future plans, and me moving away being the main ones.
Eventually I said "I think we need to have a chat", not intending to break up, just discuss things. she completely flipped (one of things I was worried about was I felt like our relationship was on a knife edge) and gave me an ultimatum. She said some things then that also hurt me quite a lot, but I don't think they were intentional. I said I needed to think. I asked my parents for advice, and gave it a LOT of thought. I decided after a few days that the best thing for both of us in the long run was for us to split up. But the decision tore me apart. It was mind over heart, and I loved her. For the next week, I didnt sleep, didnt eat, would find myself craving her presence and would randomly have "butterflies" quite often.
Eventually I asked if we could meet up, things had cooled off a bit between us, but I still felt the same. I met her and nearly broke down when I saw her. My heart was telling me I made a mistake. We spent the next 2 days together, we had a few drinks, had sex and confided a lot in each other. We agreed (both while drinking and sober the morning after), that we should have another go.
KEY POINT HERE. So at this point i thought "if this is going to work, I have to be honest about how I feel, all of it." I said we had to admit everything to each other and she agreed. I voiced my doubts I had been supressing the last year, and and invited her to do the same for me. For reference, things of hers I was critical of were in the grand scheme, relatively minor, that her obsession with jeremy kyle while cuddling was a turn off, etc. Anyway, she flipped.. again. And just blanket said I used her for sex, and she never wanted to see me again.
Fast forward 2 months. I am still a bit attached, and physically as attracted to her as I ever was. Obviously, I hadn't dated anyone since. (She had made a point of telling me when we got "back together" that in the week we had been apart she had 700 matches on tinder, and showed me explicit conversations with other men. Yes, I cared that much I would let that go.) Anyway I moved away, and was determined to start a new leaf.
I hate holding a grudge so I messaged her again, recently, fully expecting her to have forgotten me, saying simply that I was sincerely sorry for any pain I caused, and I forgive any harsh words said. That all I wanted was for us to be amicable, even if we never saw each other again. Just to leave things on good terms so we can very loosely stay in touch.
She again accused me of using her for sex. That she didn't want to be ok with me, etc etc. I didn't reply.
Part of me just wanted closure from this so I could move on emotionally, but I need an objective look. Did I use her? I had absolutely no intentions of leaving the second time, I never wanted to hurt her, and honestly when we got back together, I wans't even thinking of sex, I was emotionally broken and just wanted her company.
What do you think? Should I just leave it? Did I do wrong? Can I make things right between us, and if so, how?
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