After dealing with many issues in my twenties I decided to try my hand at dating again.
A little background: I have never been in a relationship outside of on friends with benefits that ended poorly and a few handfuls of dates that never went anywhere. My dry spell of no sex has lasted eight years so far. It got to the point that I convinced myself I should take pride in not having sex to the point that I started straight up ignoring any advances or hints women dropped to me even when I was attracted to them. My mind would somehow tell me to get mad in these situations. There was even a time where I did decide to go on a date with this woman who asked me out, and during the date I asked her why she even liked me. When she later dropped huge hints that she wanted to sleep with me, I told her I don't do that (despite the fact that I very much wanted to sleep with her).
I think my unconscious mind wanted a new reason to attack me (I am self critical and have dealt with depression on and off all my life) since I had started to do well in other areas of my life, and women was its new target. My issue is that I'll see a woman and have some sort of clue that she has interest in me. I will get excited and think of ways to break the ice. In the mean time my brain starts hardcore fantasizing about being with this person (More imagining the relationship and bonding together versus sexual fantasy). Since my confidence still isn't that high, I end up letting the opportunity go, and letting my mind be satisfied with the fantasy it created. It drives me nuts.
Here is the cycle: I see this attractive women who shows interest.
Hy mind builds up this huge relationship fantasy about her.
I talk myself out of progressing it into something further because I know the fantasy isn't real.
Once the fantasy loses it's luster I feel down
I feel like I'm addicted to a drug except the drug is the fantasy in my mind and once the luster is gone I just want more from whomever pops up next. I have used drugs in the past. My main vices were pot, alcohol, and cigarettes, but I have since quit all of that. I hate it the point that I hate myself. I hate that my mind turns everything into an addiction, and denies me something that is ingrained in us a a species.
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