Apologies for the epically long post! I want to paint the best picture I can. There's a TLDR at the end.
The situation
I (31F) matched with a guy (31M) on OKC about a month ago. We really hit it off, and have been on five dates in the last three weeks. Initially things were going really well -good texting, really long dates, intellectual chemistry, open & honest communication. Physically, things progressed well. On dates three and four we wanted to sleep with each other, but didn't, for various reasons.
He has been open about his "emotional messiness" and that he is only recently out of of a relationship with a protracted break up. I said that's not a dealbreaker for me, as long as our communication remains strong. I'm okay with taking things slow as long as there is potential (from both of us) of this becoming a serious LTR, as that is ultimately what I'm after. He was cool with this.
On date four he told me that this has been the best dating experience he's had in a long time - a sentiment that I echoed. I also met his brother, completely by accident. They're recent housemates, and his brother came home early from work.
So date five, I was cooking dinner. When he asked what he could bring along, I suggested breakfast. His response was... lacklustre. He said we "could talk about breakfast" when he got here. Ouch. Basically, he had freaked out after our last date. The last person who'd met his brother was his ex-wife (about 8 years ago), not even his recent LTP had met him. We also separately had plans to go to the same protest rally later that day after our fourth date - and he said the two worlds colliding was "a lot". He said that he wanted to slow things down, and when I asked what that looked like to him, he said he didn't want to have sex tonight, or spend the night.
We actually still had a really good date - we talked a lot, made out a bit, he iterated that he does want to have sex with me, just not for tonight, as he doesn't want to "fall into old patterns." We established that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a bit over a week due to holiday commitments.
In honour of our honesty policy, I told him the next day while we were texting that the night before had brought up some stuff for me, and that I was in my head about it. He said that he was feeling overwhelmed due to breakup/family/holidays and couldn't talk to me about it now, but would like to in the future. He said that he really likes our honest and patient dynamic.
Since then we've texted every couple of days, a couple of messages- no conversations. Sometimes he initiates, sometimes I do - but I always end (ie: he stops replying) This is very different to how we were communicating previously.
My Shit
I know I just need to talk to him about this. But because of my own shit, I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm perceiving this correctly / what is reasonable to assume / say to him etc.
This is my first Xmas without my ex in three years, (split six months ago). I also have no family around as I couldn't travel home; So I'm feeling extra lonely. Plus, I currently have PMDD so my emotions cannot be trusted until my period comes.
Also, my ex would turn down sex often, because sex was completely about him (so my needs/offers were secondary). He also would shut down/ withdraw whenever I expressed my needs/vulnerabilities. Not a healthy partnership I now realise.
For those reasons, the 31M rejecting sex and also responding to me being vulnerable with 'I can't talk about it now" has maybe hit deeper than it should.
The question
What I'm looking for is other outsider perspectives of this situation. I'm too in my head and too hormonal to feel like I'm judging it clearly. Is this a ghost / slow fade? Is the holidays a convenient excuse, or a genuine reason? Slow for me is being less physical, and not having as many (or any) big emotional talks. But it isn't seeing each other less / talking less.
Also, We talked about Saturday being the next day we would be able to catch up. It's thursday here. Is it best if I wait for him to reach out, or should I follow up asking what he'd like to do?
TLDR; Hormones have made me crazy. Great guy w/ great connection appears to be distant this last week, need not-crazy opinions on situation to help me get some perspective. Do I reach out or wait for him? Can you really like someone but still be distant over the holidays due to stress?
[link] [comments]
from Dating Advice https://ift.tt/2t1Poch
via IFTTT
No comments:
Post a Comment