I’m 21 and I literally suck at romantic relationships. My first one was at 15 and I jumped into it because he was the only guy that shown interest in me and I wanted to say I dated someone before. Everything he did (kissing, hugging, cuddling) made me uncomfortable and he could tell I wasn’t reciprocating and I was uncomfortable and we lasted a month into the relationship.
I determined I wasn’t ready for dating, and put off dating all of high school and I thought I’d find someone in college but it never happened. I really wanted a relationship, but I never met someone in my life for that to happen.
Flash forward to 20 and I decide to get tinder because I wanted to put myself out there and see what happens. My two older sisters both found their guys outside of dating apps and it always made me jealous. I get tinder and go on a couple of dates but it never went past the first because I wasn’t interested in them or too nervous to go further. I talked to this one guy for 4 months but we never met in person, and I was head over heels for him even though we never met. He never felt the same way towards me because he stopped talking to me.
I recently met this guy in November on tinder after going on there and we hit it off. I thought he was attractive. We go on a date and I immediately was nervous and all giddy after and knew I wanted to keep seeing him more. As the dates progressed with him things hit a roadblock when he wanted to cuddle with me.
I remember cuddling in my last relationship at 15 and how uncomfortable it made me. I had that familiar uncomfortable feeling come back and it worried me.
After he cuddled with me on his bed it felt too fast, unnatural, and I didn’t have any desire to do it with him. Some aspects of him turned me off too, like his scent.
We kissed on the fourth date and I felt nothing from it, he had to be the one to ask me.
It’s been a month and we are still seeing each other but not officially, and I’ve been overthinking everything so hard and flipping back and forth deciding if I like him or not. I keep thinking if I keep seeing him the love and trust will grow but there’s some attraction now but not completely. I got comfortable with cuddling him and I find it nice now, yet making out is still weird for me and I told him that. Plus I don't ever initiate physical affection and I don't know if it's because it's not my love language or I'm genuinely not having strong feelings for this guy.
Just now he texts me asking why he’s always the one initiating cuddling and kissing (which isn’t always true-I do start cuddling with him) but he feels as if I’m not interested in him and thinks we are moving too slow and he’s not used to moving this slow in his past relationships. I keep telling him it’s my first real one and I’m not used to everything he’s doing, which is true but I also don’t know if I like him enough or if that will eventually grow?
I keep getting flashbacks to my month long relationship at 15 and all this same stuff happened, always the guy I’m with initiating, me uncomfortable, him sending I’m not interested and things ending there. I just want to experience love like everyone else and I don’t know what’s wrong with me :(
I’m not lesbian to clarify lol, and I considered myself aromantic during this whole mess but I realized it’s not true considering the fact that I had crushes on guys.
Should I stick to meeting guys outside dating apps? Have I not found the one yet? Am I broken?
I do struggle with mental health issues and I am seeing a therapist soon and talking to her about this. I just want to feel normal and be in a loving relationship and I fear I never will and I’ll never get a husband or have kids and I feel alone and depressed and it f****** sucks!
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