Ok... this is going to come off like such a air head, superficial, fake, plastic, egotistical and narcissistic post but I feel so miserable. Baseline, I have been told I'm very attractive etc (who cares)but I have the stereotypical barbie look without effort. I'm 18. I'm tall (1,76cm), skinny, small waist, perky boobs long blonde hair, clear skin, almond shaped hazel green eyes, perfect smile (thx braces). I posted on r/rateme a while back and 90% of people gave me a 9-10. I AM NOT saying this to show off, after all, you can't even see me and I won't let anyone know who I am so for all you know I could be lying. I am also an Honor student and artist/programmer. I was the first art student in the history of my school to get straight A stars. I got out of my small town in spain to go to a very famous and prestigious art College. I'm bilingual (spanish and english parents) and can speak a bit of french. Also vegetarian. I'm into philosophy and I listen to metal, hard rock, punk, the garden, death grips, aphex twin, and Britney spears haha. So...? here's the deal I have been trying all my life to try to show people that I am more than a pretty face, but no one gives a shit about what I think about. (I know, boo hoo) I have tried so hard to show off my interests on social media, tried to be different, tried to talk to boys about philosophy and deep stuff, BUT I still always just get responses to my body/face pics. THE ONE TIME I was able to have a slightly deep convo with a guy on a date about Nietzsche HE LITERALLY SAID TO ME: " u/sadprimadonna, ok but what do I have to do to fuck you already?" I swear on my fucking life. IDK about in the US and in the movies but in my country pretty girls ARE NOT the popular ones, They are the most alone. Girls here are so jealous and backstabbing. My childhood best friend literally organised a plan with my bully to take me somewhere where my bully was waiting to BEAT ME with another girl in front of a group of 20 other people. And so many other "friends" have done similar shit. Girls who acknowledge my "beauty" do so in a demeaning way, saying I'm plastic, superficial without even talking to me or knowing me, and if they do, they ignore the fact that I proved to them that I wasn't those things. SO WHAT'S THE POINT in trying to show my true self to the world, when it seems like I'm screaming out who I am and people insist in shutting me up and ignoring what I say. I feel like I'm in Kafka's "The Castle", where you follow "K" the protagonist for the whole long ass book in his useless attempt to reach the Castle of the village. "The Castle" can represent a lot of things, but for me it's social acceptance and what society wants you to be. I always think of Marilyn Monroe, she was like "K", reaching for the Castle= everything a woman could aspire to be in her time, and yet she was miserable. Because that's the nature of the Castle, you can never reach it. I feel kinda like that, on a treadmill trying to deny this terrible fate of mine to be put into this dumb empty blonde box. I think there's something Nihilistic about wearing high heels and pink for me. I like to play into it sometimes either out of the pure exhaustion of trying to fight it or just for the "fuck it" energy. I have also realized that love isn't an option for me anymore. Guys my age just want SEX. I mean it's great and all but I always felt like love and art was something sacred, something that ascends higher than our mundane monkey brains. Love for me was something trascendental, something that elevated us and distinguished us from other animals on earth, something that connected us to a higher form of existence. BUT HAHAHASHHAUHSs xdd every guy I have ever dated has only wanted me for sex, and when i denied it, they just piss off and leave me alone/block me. AND I KNOW, you're going to say, "girl it's not all just looks and brains you have to have a good heart, you sound pretty superficial to me." I am not superficial with guys tho like bruh you have not seen the guys I have dated, and I know, I try to be a better person every day, I think ethics and integrity are very important. I'm just writing this anonymously because I know how it comes off. Regardless, MY FATE HAS DESTINED ME TO BE ALONE AND SAD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
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