Are the days of meeting someone casually and slowly progressing into a romantic monogamous relationship no longer common in the adult dating world? Is having sex before a relationship a replacement of a questionnaire of sexual interests/compatibility? I also feel this pandemic is contributing to a different era of dating. The word "slowly" is different from person to person, but I want to hear your thoughts on it.
Relationship "experts" and articles seem to say sexual relations with a "partner" are most common within the first month, yet waiting as long as possible is best to truly understand and learn your partner. Is that the first month of knowing each other, or the first month of "dates" and hanging out? Communication, to me, is key at figuring out sexual compatibility before foreplay and sex begin, especially before a relationship is started, at least now in my life.
I've been thinking about it for the last few days, particularly last night after a male friend (29m) came over. While I've had sex with quite a number of people, in the last year I have really been trying to find another long-term partner and have struggled in doing so, both in the online dating world and in person.
This might be a hodgepodge of information, but a little bit of backstory of me. My first relationship was at the very beginning of 8th grade, with a neighbor who had just moved in months prior. We gained a strong friendship after I became best friends with his sister (whom I am a bridesmaid for now, 12 years later), and he asked me not long after. We had sexual relations, but never sex itself. We eventually split up after a few months, as my heart was set on my friend from 7th grade. I can't even remember how we ended up talking in the end of 8th grade as we had no classes together and lived a distance away for middle-schoolers who can't drive, but we ended up dating for 5 years until the second semester of freshman year in college
That boyfriend was everything to me. I recall our first date as a couple very fondly, seeing the premiere of Iron Man, with him doing the cheesy iconic "yawn & stretch" trick to get his arm around me. We shared our bodies that summer but never had sex until 10th grade. We were the spitting image of what you'd imagine a teenage relationship would look like. The iconic duo. Holding hands, walking each other to class, kisses and making out, star students and him being a well-known runner for the track team. Everyone, including the teachers, thought we'd end up married. But it didn't happen for some differences we shared late in the relationship, and we mutually decided to split and on good terms.
While we are still friends today, I don't miss the relationship we had at all. However, it was a wonderful learning experience for both of us, and to do most of your life's' "firsts" with your best friend was priceless and unforgettable. That by no means set the playing field for the relationships to come years after. But being in my mid-twenties (26F), I do suppose I am reverting back to those "old school" ways of dating.
Fast forward today, and I've had sex with 1 crazy boyfriend, 6 serious boyfriends, 4 friends with benefits (RIP to one), 1 hookup, and 2 failed dating attempts. That's college days for ya.
My last boyfriend, to start, surely set the stage for how I'd like my future dating scenarios to work out. But is it even a common situation now, or did I just get lucky? We physically met at a local event we both got selected to tryout for, but initially connected over Reddit after a post was made to meet the few dozen individuals selected to try out from a list of thousands.
Our friendship was gentle but spontaneous. We connected online frequently after the event occurred, and would meet up for day adventures. Hangouts kept coming, because the one night a Lyft/Uber from my house to his apartment was 3x the rate and a 2hr wait for a trip that was only 30 minutes, I drove him home and was offered to sleep in his bed while he slept on the couch in his spacious studio apartment. I took the offer. He ran to the store the next morning to make us breakfast, and I think it was that moment when I looked at him in a romantic way, rather than in just a friendly way. There was nothing romantic about sleeping in a twin bed, next to your friend on a couch, in an apartment that clearly wasn't prepared for a female guest to visit, let alone spend the night. But...I continued to make visits and sleep in the twin bed about once a week. Day adventures started to look like dates (especially to strangers who would ask if "my boyfriend and I" wanted their day pass for the museum, etc), and after 3 or so times sleeping in his bed, I eventually told him he didn't have to sleep on the couch and he could squeeze onto the twin bed with me.
We went on an official date together, and after he walked me back to my car in his parking garage, he had said "I've wanted to do this for a while..." and kissed me. At that moment, I felt like I was in 8th grade again with butterflies in my stomach. I can't remember how it progressed but I started sleeping there on the weekends. I'm almost certain on the first weekend I reached my hand down between his legs after he woke up with morning wood. He never expected anything of me and was surprisingly more generous than any other man in my life and damn good with his hands. His bathroom was very spacious and had an extra-long and deep, high-end tub I asked to take a bath in since mine was far from the spaciousness and quality of his. He lit some candles and joined me. It was actually bigger than the twin bed believe it or not. Nothing sexual ever happened in the tub, which made my mind more at ease and relaxed to be around him, butt naked in a tub with someone I knew for about a month or more. It wasn't that night, but he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend, in the tub. Of course, I said yes, and it was highly unexpected at that moment for him to ask me out.
We spent many fun-filled weekends together at his apartment, making dinners and desserts, playing video games next to each other with a desk and chair he bought me to put my extra gaming pc on, and we still went out on dates. We rented a house together after only 5 months of knowing each other, but we literally spent every second together whether it was in person, or in the online world, and it felt right. Unfortunately, he became sick with a chronic condition and after a depressing fall and winter together, we split up. It's best for him to focus on his physical health and mental well-being, and while it wasn't a mutual decision on my end, I completely respect him and understand. I wasn't happy during those months for many reasons, and splitting up sooner would've been better because I was under the assumption I could help or fix things in some way. I destroyed myself over it. That was a year ago, and we're still friends, but our lives' are busy and with COVID-19 we cannot meet up.
Since then, I've had many dates from men online, with no real connection made in person. There have been two meetups that have ended up in mutual friendships with some sexual relations here and there, which over the last few months, seem to be deviating more towards being only a sexual relationship. So, fuck that. In college, I have obviously met people who only wanted that, which I never pursued except that one individual. But I am not about that life. FWB I find a whole lot different, as the ones I did have, were truly my friends. I have casually met people in person too, and it's been great up to the point where we appear to click on a deeper level, but it just turns out they just want sex. I've shooed those people away and it's been very disappointing in the dating world. Until now.
I met this new guy (29M) a few weeks ago at the park with some mutual friends. After a few days, he started texting me outside of our group chat asking if I wanted to hang out, and him apologizing for some minor, unimportant things that occurred in person. I said yes, and we met up to walk around a different local park. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He would check in with me daily, asking me how my health is (I have been feeling ill) and how my day has been generally, etc. After a few days, I noticed signs of him liking me while hanging out with our friends (he asked if I was dating a mutual friend, he'll coyly joke around, etc). I feel with the recent failed friendships/dating attempts, I have been immune to developing feelings for people. I would think that any other woman would cling to someone as handsome, educated, and friendly as him. But not me. It almost bothers me in a sense I don't feel anything.
He has been hanging out here in my living room 3 times so far. And he's invited me over to his parent's house where he has been living as of recently, but it's been too late for me to want to go over (I dislike driving in the dark and when it's late). He's always been kind and polite. We'll watch a movie together and chit chat.
But the other day I explained that my housemate (the one I rent from, which by the way, has apologized to me) has been a bit of a dick recently, and it might be better for us to watch tv in my room. He said it was okay if we had to do so. I explained I had an ottoman in my room for him to sit on, or he could sit on my bed but I didn't know how appropriate that would be for a new friend to sit on a bed with me would be. He said if I wanted to cuddle, then sure. I didn't know if he was asking to cuddle or say it would be appropriate if we were going to. He apologized for making it awkward and said he would sit on the floor if I wanted him to. I explained he was a guest and I would never do that, but I was happy with cuddling with him if he wasn't going to try anything. (Because I'm not about to have some guy try and use me for sex) We were playfully texting each other for a few more responses after that, and I had said "Don't get attached to this cute lady" (he had called me really cute) and that I trust him, but I am immune to developing feelings while cuddling, but I know others cannot hold back feelings when endorphins kick in. He said he understood, but he didn't understand the conversation, but he promised he wouldn't get attached
I guess long story short, I opened up a bag of worms by inviting him into my bedroom. Is that my fault I may have given him the wrong idea? I'm really not sure. I did ask for him to not get attached and to not try anything. For anyone else, especially other women in the dating world, would it be an appropriate time for you to engage sexually with someone new? Before he came over, I thought I would see where things go, but I feel after a few weeks of knowing each other (even consistently talking and occasionally hanging out) it may be too early for something sexual?
He did come over last night, and we started off downstairs but moved into my room to cuddle. It was totally fine, but I could sense he was tense/nervous. I asked him if he was comfortable or wanted to change positions, and that he could relax a bit and there was nothing to be nervous or tense for. He apologized and said he was okay. I was snuggled into his arm after a while as I got tired, being that we've been hanging out for 4 hours and it was past midnight. I didn't feel uncomfortable or anything. I had the sense he wanted to kiss me, so I looked up and kissed him. He kissed me back, and he thought I was trying to make out with him, which I wasn't, so I explained so and that I'm not a big fan of making out in general, and it was nothing against him (Which is true). He apologized, again, which led us into a conversation about how I knew he liked me weeks ago, and that I could tell he was a little uncomfortable around women. He is not new to the dating world, but I do not know how long it has been since he's been with a woman. We joked about his awkwardness and coy jokes and such. He did politely ask if he could kiss me a few times, which I happily allowed, but I still don't feel anything for him, which now seemed appropriate being that he asked what his limits were for "not trying anything" since we kissed, and assumed it meant no sex and nothing else. I agreed, but I felt a little on edge because I suspected he wanted something more. That's where cuddling yets you...yeah? So with that being said, I suppose it is my fault for opening that can of worms. Not to mention, I could feel his boner on my leg, lol. He ended up going home after 30 minutes or so, being that it was close to 2am and he had something to do in the AM.
I invited him back over tonight for pizza I promised I would get after he ordered us a slightly unfavorable one the other day. He surprised me with homemade cookies he is bringing over. So, I guess this sounds like a date now, to continue our movie marathon and share food together. I think now I am more "okay" with persuing something sexual, and with this long-winded story, I am wondering how you all feel.
Different situations obviously lead to different reactions and results. And while this doesn't follow the trajectory of what I would expect leading up to this moment, now is definitely the appropriate time to ask those little questions I ask in any dating scenario: what are you looking for?
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