I recently broke up with someone who I thought was wonderful. Everything was going great and I genuinely enjoyed all the time spent with them but at times I felt like they were spending too much time with me and neglecting her people. I would hint at her to spend more time with others but she would pull me back in telling me all she wanted to do was spend time with me. All she wanted was my time and attention. And I also got lost in her world. To the point where I started neglecting everything else.
Few weeks in and suddenly she has the realization that she needs to focus on herself and she has been neglecting everything she loves and this isnt her. So we talk about it and I agree to give her her space to do what she needs hoping we can finally strike a healthy balance. But for the whole week she had done everything but the activities we used to do together. She actively avoided activities together after saying she would join us. I told her how uncomfortable this was making me as I was already so used to spending so much time with her and I was deep in my feels that I missed her. She did a complete 180 and started telling me how it was just a week and we needed to grow as a couple but separately. She sent me a post of this power couple who made it work despite differing schedules and I shot her down because of how upset I was. I kept telling her it was unfair that "WE" had to be neglected so "I" can be focused on. One thing led to another and we had a big fight where everything spilled out. The fight wouldnt stop and got so toxic I was appalled at the dark place I was in. She called it off and she kept me at arms length. I was pushing extremely hard for her not to be so drastic and 3 days after the fight I saw her put up an R4R post trying to meet new men.
That sent me into deep shock and depression. I acted even worse. I went full psycho. I confronted her about it and she tried to tell me she was looking for a support group etc... Yeah right... F4M post where you tell men your measurements etc. It was clear to everyone. She was ready to move on. And everyone who knew us, saw the post wide eyed and had the same thing to say. "COLD". She blocked me after saying she doesnt owe me any explanation and as a final try i reached out to her through mutual friends who she shot down. I reached out to her cousin as well.
It took me a few days to get over the shock and the pain and everything I was feeling and I began dealing with it by working on myself. I started exercising again, focusing on everything I was doing before I met her. Playing my instruments, hanging with friends and just keeping busy so I dont sink anymore. Slowly coming out of it, today I realized how far down I had gone. Im looking back at everything I became and I cant believe this is who I became. The rose filtered glasses prevented me from seeing things objectively.
For years I kept telling everyone to focus on themselves and fill their cup first. I told everyone that they should be the cake and their partner should be the icing. The cake is great as is but the icing makes it better. And I followed this philosophy for years. People came and went but nobody got to me when they acted differently because I kept this equilibrium and maintained that I love myself more than others. I helped a friend get out of a deep state of depression by counseling her similarly and I myself sank into a deep place even I couldnt understand. The same friend came to my rescue. Ironic, right?
This morning, I realized a few things and I immediately felt more grounded.
1) Dont be a hopeless romantic who thinks that you can win her back by pleading. It never works. Be pragmatic and ground yourself at all times. You may love the person but you should love yourself more.
2) If someone is meant to be with you, they will find a way to be with you. You both will work on each other and work together.
3) You shouldnt trade your self pride and hurt your ego trying to pull someone back. If they cant see in you any qualities to stay with you, its clear they arent for you. If they demonize your character after playing a role in pushing you over then its even worse and does more damage for self love.
4) The person did something extremely cold at the end and that should be reason enough to move forward instead of trying to reach out.
5) Dont give so much power over your emotions to others. Nobody is worth it. Dont do things that will make you fall in anyones eyes.
6) Whatever it takes, dont turn bitter. Especially over someone who is probably flirting with other dudes now and couldnt give a shit. Love yourself more than that.
Looking back they werent so wonderful. People are wonderful while things are great. While they enjoy what you have to offer until they have had their fill and are ready to do something else and then make you feel bad for wanting normalcy. They never acknowledged the role they played in pulling me in so deep or getting me so used to their presence and then having a change of heart. I learned a lot from this experience and im slowly finding my balance to the person I used to be. Today after many days, I was happy and at peace. I was back to being my old self who didnt need someones attention and affection to genuinely be happy and it felt so freeing. I have a lot to work on but I am actually glad for this experience despite the pain it caused. Suffering is the greatest teacher. It also tore me away from the monotonous routine I was following and im back to working out and playing instruments etc.
As my guru says, Life is like the gearbox of a car. The gearstick has to move forward and back constantly for the gears to change.
I just wish I was aware of the red flags I see right now. Would not be in this position and they would be just another passing breeze in my life. Thank you for reading.
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