Starting off with some context; I (24M) have been having an issue that's becoming kind of more and more prevalent especially recently. A couple years ago I got out of my first and only serious relationship of about three and a half years. It didn't end pretty and for a good majority of it we were living together. I was regularly abused physically and emotionally during that time. I thought it was just part of having a partner. Not saying I was perfect, she had her issues and I tried my best to be supportive and I feel like I failed her. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and broke it off and it was another few months before we didn't live together anymore. A while after that we sort of became friends with benefits but the abuse continued when I would go see her but at least I could leave. I eventually broke that off as well and she moved away.
It's now been about two and a half years since I've seen her and it's been minimal talking and it usually turns into an argument. Since that time I haven't really pursued any type of romantic relationship with someone figuring that I'll know when I'm ready to try again, but it's just not happening. It seems to be getting worse. I was never a player or anything and I've always been very introverted but I could at least ask someone out with enough confidence to get a date and see where it went. Now the words just get caught in my throat. If I even have a glimmer of interest in someone it's hard to even look them in the eye. Most recently I got my hair cut and I almost had a panic attack from her having her hands so close to my face, I kept cool but as soon as I got home I just broke down. I want nothing more than to have a wife and kids and just a family of my own. I make good money for my age and progressing relatively well in every other aspect of my life but what does it even matter if I have no one to share it with and use it to raise a family? I'm scared that I'll never be able to approach women in any context ever again and come home to the same empty void of a house every day for the rest of my life.
I don't expect anyone to have full answers but I just don't know what to do. Sorry if it's a bit messy I've never really talked much about it before since I just thought it was more or less "normal". Since I broke down after having a hair cut I've been giving it a lot of thought as to why which is when I started looking at my last relationship and why I gave the context of it, but if someone thinks it could something else I'd be glad to talk about it. Sorry for the long post and if this is the wrong sub as well.
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