I met this girl on the beach in 2018 she was 24 i was 19. I told her i was older (22) because i knew I’d never have a shot with a girl like her. She was jaw dropping. It was one of those moments that it was love at first sight and thought I’m gonna marry that girl one day. She came over the next day for super bowl Patriots vs Eagles and she’s a huge eagles fan so we had fun watching the games and hung out every day since we met. We ended up wanting to go to the bar and i thought my game ID would work and it got rejected. I ended up telling her i was 20 and not my actual age which still pissed her off. We still hung out every day and ended up asking her to be my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. The first 7 months were the best times of my life ever traveling adventures exploring and falling in love. My father was going through a nasty divorce with his wife of 12 years who was like my mom and the separation of them really broke my heart and put me into a deep depression and also the death of my grandmother from brain cancer and being kicked off my college football team put me into a deep depression. I started to not trust her or anyone started getting into heated arguments and fighting daily. I was always scared she was talking to someone else or cheating because my insecurities. We knew so much about eachother that we would attack eachothers weaknesses. She ended up moving back home out of state which was 3,000 miles away and knew it wouldn’t last. I ended up in a psych for attempt of suicide from the break up with her to the death of my grandma the divorce and football and being kicked out. Her new Bf after we broke up got a restraining order on me because while in the hospital under heavy drugs i said i was going to kill him which made matters worse to wear i couldn’t talk to her again. She would say nasty mean things to me and make me feel like shit about myself. 6 months later we come back into contact in June of 2019 and started dating again it was amazing again but i was in 110% and she was only in 50% it was really hard trying to make it work long distance and always felt like i was the only one trying. She’d get mad Bc i craved attention and affection for reassurance. I flew at there twice and she came and surprised me for one of my games since i came back to the team the next season and for my birthday. We got into another argument after she left seeing me back in October 2019. I decided to end it because i was not happy in the relationship. After we broke up i started dating around talking to other girls to fill the void but it was all just temporary. Went up north to visit family where she happened to have family as well and we were in the same state at the same time. We met up for a day talked and tried figuring things out. To make us work again because i truly do love this woman and i know she feels the same and wants to spend her life we me. She was upset with me that i didn’t post her on social media and i need help replying to a message what do i say. So she can respect that i wanna take things slow not fight for more than a week and work back into trusting eachother and all the comes with being in a relationship
So after we saw each other she had posted a video of us on her Snapchat story and had gotten upset with me that i didn’t do the same and it really upset her. I tried explaining to her i don’t wanna get hurt and build a foundation first but she isn’t understanding where i come from. How do i reply back to her after these texts. Please help because i really do want to make this work with her.
Her
if that’s the last piece of your heart i pray for you. because that shouldn’t be how you place value on your heart. god forbid people see i make you happy. god forbid people know you were with the girl you supposedly love. nope. can’t let them know because they would say shit. their words mean more. their views mean more. i should’ve never gotten my hopes up about this visit. or thought my feelings and heart or thoughts mattered to you. because i was considerate of yours. i listened and i even showed my world i didn’t give a fuck what they thought. and you had hayden block me...that’s not sketchy or anything... you’re right i’m not sure this is going to work. i’m sorry but i can’t handle the hiding after you mentioned marriage and you loving me so much and saying we have forever together. loving me should be enough of a reason to show people we are happy when we’re together. i can’t go back to sleep because of this. and it makes me sick that i am second to anyone at the moment. i should’ve asked more questions i should’ve gotten proof that i was the only one. and if you’re so terrified as to when you’ll see me again, how about you plan a trip where i come out there. where you can stop guessing and have an answer...make a plan where we can spend alone time together. and actually have the time to love me. because as i sit here crying and not being able to sleep, it seems like you just don’t have the time to love me completely and fully and that is killing me. and that’s all i fucking need is to me loved. the pain of being alone, you think only affects you. all i fucking want is to be fucking loved and cared for and told the god damn truth. why am i not enough to deserve that??? why am i not enough for you?? im fucking laying here and practically craving you. i wanted to connect with you again. i want to love you and have you in me and feel you and the passion we have. it’s killing me austin. how much more vulnerability do you want ??
Me
Maddie... you know i love you with everything left in me. I wish you could open your eyes and see that my life right now is super stressful and it’s about to be the biggest change I’ve had yet. We’ve broken eachothers hearts more than enough we have hurt eachother more than enough. I’m making sure this is something we both need and want. People around the world have seen how happy you make me. My family and my closest friends see how happy you make me. People that matter to me see how happy you make me. The only reason why i did not post you yet which I’m going to do is because 1. If you or i leave or don’t work out I’ll be shamed at. 2. I won’t hear the end of it from family or friends. 3. Our breakups and my past traumas w family are the reason why i am in therapy. What I’m doing is protecting myself. I can’t take any more heart breaks. I am so fragile right now Maddie. I feel like a scared deer whose lost it’s parents and left in the woods during hunting season. The fact that social media makes you think I don’t love you is sickening what this world has come to. I know once we are set and have our feet down together wether it’s in a a few weeks month two or whatever or however long it takes that we will be good to go. I wanna go days and weeks without confrontation arguments or feeling attacked or put down and having you feel the same way about me. Your thoughts your feelings mean everything to me. I hate seeing you sad hurt and alone. That’s why i try giving you so much fucking love and so much time. My hopes are through the roof about this visit because i finally feel that you’re in love with me again and you aren’t embarrassed of me. It makes me feel really confident. But you aren’t being hidden from the people that mean the most to me. Hayden and Rebeka both blocked you Bc it made them both very uncomfortable that you would watch their stories all the time. They both asked me to ask you to stop and i said do what you please and that I’m not getting in the middle of it. I mention proposing getting engaged you being my fiancé marrying you and being my wife and the father to my children because that all i ever wanted in life since i was born. Everyone knows the one person they will be with forever... that’s you... and I’ve told you that since day one and you still don’t believe me. If you had wanted to elope yesterday i would’ve in a heart beat without hesitation. I’m sorry you were up all night and couldn’t sleep and felt sick and where crying that’s not how i want you to feel. I will make more of an effort to give you even more attention affection and love if that’s what you want. I’ve just been used to our routine of you pushing away when i latch on. Of course after all these years I’m finally getting it and now you want the attention and affection like cat and mouse which is so confusing to me. I promise I’ll plan a month long week long weekend long or days long trip for you to come out here. You know that’s what I’ve always wanted is to spend time with you and love on you and adore you. You can get as much proof go through whatever you want when you get here. But let’s plan you getting out here in February and get our life together and rolling by then. I’ll give you all my time in the world you know i do that too. But I’m on defense right now for the tome being to protect my heart. I need you to understand that. It’s not forever it’s just for the time being. I cried my whole ride home yesterday and cried in my dads arms and in the hot tub Bc it hurt so bad saying goodbye to you. I wanted to love on you so much yesterday and was hanging on you. You know that when you said i was being annoying and too much just because i missed you so much missed your smell your touch your laugh your eyes kissing you everything. You’re more than enough in my life. I’ve always felt since day one i was more in love with you more obsessed with you and all above. Still am. Still have your pictures the fair pictures everything all the letters. It breaks my heart the first voicemail you left me is gone and I’ll never have it back and it shatters my heart because you’ve only ever left me just one voicemail. I wish i could’ve held you all night and been intimate with you and made love with you to just hold you in my arms and be the closest we’ve ever been together and the most passionate sex with you. It killed me not even getting to have any really intimacy besides trying to kiss you in the car. Because who knows if I’ll ever see you again or if you’ll ever see me again. You need to trust the processes and Know I’m protecting myself and I’m willing to take my walls back down again for you. I’m not going to rush this or take it too slow. I’m going to take it day by day and if you love me as much as you say you do you’ll be understanding and supportive and be by my side through the process together as i will be next to you.
Her I understand you’re protecting yourself but am i going to have to live with you not protecting me? a king always protects his queen. he stays strong for the both of them. i’ve told you i’d be by your side through the process but i want to be the only one. i don’t need other girls being the comfort you need when you’re lonely. i don’t need to be spoken badly about by you or anyone else while going through this process. i want to feel that my heart is also being protected by you. you keep asking me to be understanding but i really don’t think you yourself have been the most understanding either. I’m trying to be hopeful, i really am. i’m trying to build you up again. i’m doing my absolute best here austin. but there are so many mixed signals in this whole situation that make it hard to trust that you actually want me and us to work out. you think it’s not confusing to me as well when you tell me you love me but yet can’t let everyone know about it and see it. i’ve posted you for the world to see, i have told my family about you, i have opened up about my feelings and how i address them, i have given you the things i able to do at the moment that you need. I have been doing these things to prove that i love you and now that i’m doing them they’re not enough? you told me you wanted to see how much i showed i cared, yet somehow everyday i’m trying my best to show you and it’s not enough. What others say should not have value. It really says a lot when you allow other people to make comments and let it affect your decisions. If they cared that much, doing what makes you happy shouldn’t be judged or criticized. Social media is the reality because it destroys people. it destroys relationships. And if you can’t have the courage to post anything it shows that your more concerned about other people’s feelings more than mine. Sorry you don’t want to lose the girls you flirted with and talk to by posting me again. You’ve always mentioned how many people have unfollowed you because of me. My feelings about this are not being looked at fairly. Having H**** (name) block me makes me think you’re hiding something or she is hiding something for you. Or you haven’t defended me and my reasoning. i’m sorry but i don’t think you being friends with her is a good idea after what she expressed to you. If it made you feel that uncomfortable when she told you how she felt, that should’ve been a red flag and you should’ve gotten rid of it. There’s no reason for she or anyone else to feel uncomfortable. that’s completely ridiculous and you should be defending me, not come at me a criticize my actions or telling them anything negative about me. and R**** (name) shouldn’t even have contact with you. Mentioning a proposal or marriage is really fucking serious to me. it is not something anyone should be joking about or taken lightly. so when you say it so much it really starts to lose its value.eloping is and never will be an option. you of all people should know how valuable a marriage is and how serious it is when making sure it’s what is right. I am not willing to be another statistic or live out a life like your parents or mike. you sit there and you’re telling me you want all of this. that im your person. that you want this forever but at the same time you can’t even let anyone know how much you actually love me. are you living your life for yourself or for other people? because right now all i hear is l you caring about what OTHERS think. I am not begging for attention or affection. i simply want to be made known. i want to be present in your life. i want to be able to wake up in the morning and trust you aren’t fucking around or talking to others. Reassurance and love is what i need. You’re absolutely right that we’ve hurt each other many times but you act like me asking things of you to protect myself as well is so difficult and like it’s an attack. am i not worth enough to be given the reassurance to make sure we move on healthily? I’ve been giving you all you need on my end and i would love for it to be reciprocated in the ways that i need to grow with you. I want to be enough to move forward. I am not your queen. I am not treated as if i’m a part of your life at all at the moment. I’ve been more than understanding about every single thing in your life. Your trauma. your abuse. your depression. your doubts. your progress. Most other people would run for the hills if they knew the amount of work that needed to be done for a person like that. yet somehow i always end up back to you. I cannot move forward with someone who cannot move forward with me. I can’t deal with the defensiveness all the time. it keeps everything at a stand still, no one is able to progress if you’re so unwilling to. Why am i waiting until February to make a trip? I can’t move forward having a life with you if we cannot have the time together to make that big decision. and saying you’re never going to see me again is really depressing and so morbid. i don’t want that idea to even be going through our minds. it’s sick. i want nights of loving you. not just one. i want to be there and feel every part of you around me and in me. i want to be one with you. i don't want to hold back anything. being passionate with you is what i need. i want to feel all the love we have in those moments
Me
I understand how you feel and respect it but it’s two people you and i. I really don’t know how to reply to this it’s a lot can i please have some time to think about what i need to say and should say so it’s communicated correct
Please help me reply in the best way possible i love this girl to death and wanna make it work How can i respond correct and let her know how i feel so she will respect it
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