I'm 24 and male with almost no sexual/romantic history, though not for lack of trying. At least, at one point I was trying. For the last few years I've kinda given up, because I feel like searching for a partner is pointless despite the fact that I want one. I've been rejected so many times that I think I've internalized the idea that there must be something wrong with me.
The thing is, though, that I can't see anything wrong with myself. I don't hate myself or feel like I have any traits that make me undesirable. I'm not a pushy pickup artist type guy, in fact I make sure to always conduct myself appropriately around women. I believe I'm probably slightly above average in intelligence and education, am a fun person to talk to with charisma and interesting things to say. I have plenty of interests/hobbies/passions, friends, a solid career, am average-looking at bare minimum, etc. Sure I may not be gorgeous or super smooth, in fact I may be a bit socially awkward at times, but I don't think its to the point that it could explain why no woman wants to be with me.
So what I'm saying is, I can recognize that, logically, there is no reason to criticize myself and worry that there might be something wrong with me. I know I haven't done anything wrong, that life isn't all about relationships, and all that other stuff people say.
Yet...emotionally, it's a different matter. I just can't seem to get rid of it, this nagging feeling of doubt. It's definitely an irrational thing, but emotions aren't rational, right? I'm preoccupied over it anyway, and have to keep talking myself down. It eats away at me...no matter how much I tell myself it doesn't make sense, I just can't shake the feeling of doubt that maybe there is something wrong with me, perhaps something I can't even see. That there must be a good reason for consistent rejection. That I must be creepy, or something like that, and am not realizing it.
I've read about something called "avoidant attachment style", a personality disorder where people shun human contact/relationships despite craving them because they're afraid of being hurt and believe that everyone around them is cold-hearted, enjoy hurting others, etc. This seems to describe me perfectly. While I have have been hurt more than was strictly necessary by women a few times, its not a belief I extrapolate to all women because that would be insane. I realize they were isolated incidents and that I was unlucky to be hurt by a few mean people that aren't representative of an entire gender. It's mostly the rejection itself that I'm fearful over, I just feel like there would be no point to even trying except hurting myself being told "no".
If nothing else, I'm considering therapy for the sole reason of being able to get help with not beating myself up anymore and to just accept that its not my fault. More than anything I just really want to be told that I'm not a horrible person, but I do realize that that won't help until I learn to believe it myself, too. Or, maybe, if there is an actual problem, that it gets dealt with.
What's stopping me from being able to do that right now is a couple of things:
A) The fear of being pathologized as someone who "is mad at women who reject him", misogynist, etc.
B) The fear of other people taking part in the gaslightning/agreeing with my doubt that there must be something wrong with me.
C) I guess just kind of being skeptical in general of therapy and how effective it can really be, and whether its worth the pain of confronting the issue. Though, I suppose that's exactly what you would expect someone who has a clinical phobia of opening up would say.
Anyway, if you made it to the end of my novel, I thank you for taking the time to read it and look forward to hearing your thoughts/experiences in this topic.
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