I (21F) have only been in one exclusive relationship, which was in my senior year of high school and lasted about 8 months. Ever since then, I have had several flings with guys, that often last quite a long time, but have never made it to the exclusivity stage. Through these experiences, I’ve found out that I’m not somebody that’s ok with being in a non exclusive relationship with someone I’m having sex with. My first boyfriend was somebody that I had started dating for about a month or so before we were involved in any sexual way (he was my first so I had some reservations about my virginity, and it took us months of having nonpenetrative sex for me to be comfortable with having penetrative sex). I was never a jealous person in this relationship, even though we were long distance for a large portion of the relationship, because he was attending college across the country. However, every guy I’ve “dated” since then (I use this term very loosely since it’s never been official) I’ve had sex with rather quickly, maybe just after two dates or so. I end up getting close with these men, talking to them often, and seeing them on a weekly basis. I make it a point to never pressure them into a relationship, as I was pressured into my first relationship and I don’t want to force anyone into the same situation. They always act really interested and invested in me, yet are still seeing other people, and say they aren’t ready for more. I end up feeling extremely jealous when I see them with another girl or even suspect that they are seeing someone else. However, because I don’t want to pressure them, I don’t really discuss these feelings as I feel that would push them away. I will even make a point to tell them I don’t think it’s working out because I feel them being distant, yet they always come back saying they don’t want to lose me and they care about me. This puts me in a situation where I am seeing one person for long periods of time, sometimes over a year, while they are seeing as many people as they want. I end up extremely dissatisfied. I’ve realized I’m just not the type of person who can have casual sex, and if I am able to discuss this early on I will likely enjoy my relationships much more.
I just feel like I have a hard time knowing how and when to initiate this conversation. My relationships have been largely centered around sex, so it feels so natural to have sex with someone when I have the urge to. Even though I love sex, I feel like if I have sex even once I begin to have feelings of attachment that cause me to ignore my instincts and allow myself to be in this relationship I’m not happy in. How do I have this conversation before I have sex with a guy without pressuring him? Or is it best to date him like I normally would and then have the conversation after I have sex?
TLDR for the past four years of my life I’ve only been in friends with benefits situations when I’ve wanted more, but I don’t know how to discuss this without pressuring the guy and I end up very unhappy
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