originally posted in r/dating
This is a novel so I apologize in advance.
Guy and I started dating about 6 months ago. Part of what drew me in was that when we talked, the texts were literally essays. We talked just about every day. He was handsome and I was attracted to him, though I can't ever say I had that BANG, lust, butterflies feeling. I've had a big love before and fell really hard and really fast and this just wasn't that. However, we kept seeing each other-- I thought maybe this was just how things were after your first love-- people talk about feelings developing over time, a slow burn, etc etc. I thought it was maybe that and that the big feelings would come.
I'm in grad school and incredibly busy and he's always been super flexible and so understanding. With that being said, we would only see one another 1-2 times a week. When we were in person together, it was incredibly comfortable and being at his house felt like being home. But when we weren't together, things started bothering me-- from the very beginning he took ages to respond to texts, there were no plans to meet his friends who he is super close to, we didn't have sex as often as with past partners etc. With the state of the world, we're both now home and so there's less to talk about, less to do. I noticed the other day that we'd pretty much exchanged maybe 10 texts over the course of 4 or 5 days of not seeing each other. Worst part, I realized that while I wanted to see him, I didn't miss him.
I went to his house at the start of this week and we had a nice dinner, watched a movie, cuddled on the couch. We joked, we laughed, it was comfortable again, but I told myself I wouldn't chicken out of speaking to him about what's been on my mind. I brought up that things have felt off and that it felt like we'd basically created this space where we visited one another's lives, but weren't a part of them. I brought up that it had been 6 months and we'd never even talked about meeting one another's friends. He hadn't realized it had been 6 months. He said that he thought he'd been hesitant about introducing me to the rest of his life because he for a while wasn't sure about whether he and I would pan out-- he didn't have the big feelings either. I said no to being friends and we hugged and kissed goodbye. It was literally maybe the most perfect breakup.
However, as happens with sad things, I cried when I got home and immediately regretted it and didn't know why-- I thought I would feel relieved to finally have said the things that have been bothering me and just be done with them. I've spent the last few days drinking (healthy coping skills anyone?) and doing lots of thinking and I've taken space (left the city and went to my parents house). Here's what I've come up with:
I realized I never let myself fully be in. My ex hurt me incredibly badly and I didn't want to get hurt again. And I think that I thought if he didn't get to know me, not really, then he couldn't hurt me. I actively didn't tell him things for literally no good reason. For example, he asked me about past relationships and I changed the subject. I quit smoking in the middle of us dating and didn't bother telling him. I was purposely difficult and didn't acknowledge that I actually did want something serious (as he told me he did) because I just couldn't get myself to give him the power to hurt me. No relationship, no heartbreak right? I was keeping him at an arm's length the whole time and I also think I just took him for granted. I can't help but wonder if we created this weirdly circular situation where I pushed him away, that made him more hesitant about me, his hesitance made me push more, and on and on. I just can't help but wonder if the big feelings could develop when we both kept one another at an arm's length. Can big feelings even develop if neither of us gave the relationship a real shot?
Like I said, I'm taking some space and time, but right now, I want to go and say these things to him. I want to see if he would want to try us both actually trying and communicating-- without this change, there's no point and I can recognize that. I'm also scared that he would say no.
Was the break up a mistake or am I trying to grasp at anything to make the sadness go away?
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