ive been suppressing all my desires, my desires for the career i want, the way I dress, the way I interact with guys, the way I talk. I’ve been trying to mold myself into what people think I am( tomboyish) and if I change its weird. I wish I could dress femininely, I wish I could be attractive to men because I’m always boxing myself into the one of the guys type of girl (i mostly hang out with girls but i can hang with the guys too), I wish I was better at social interaction as my social anxiety fucks with me all the time, I wish I was smart so I’m not looked down upon by other people. I lack confidence in many aspects. But im scared and I feel like such a fraud. No one knows who I am really, and despite not being alone, I am lonely. I wish I was deviant or rebellious, at least I would have been able to discover myself more, but i've been mommy’s good girl and I'm failing at that too.
I’m just so lost, and I dont have the confidence to start anew either. People always say its so easy for a girl to get a guy, there is so much dating advice for antisocial lonely guys with no social skills, although I have received lots of advice from that, I also feel like i can't entirely apply to my situation. I know I need to love myself before I can love someone else. I know my depression can be a turn off but im trying. You might not believe it the way my insecurities bled out in the previous paragraph but I am already improving. Little by little Im dressing the way I want and making some new friends an going out more and meeting people. Not the closest friends but its some progress. I just dont know how to be attractive, or what flirting is, or how dating even starts. All the guys I've met are either like brothers or friends, and not because I wanted it to be that way. I dont know how to extend beyond friends. I also have terrible social skills and dont text alot. I dont understand the texting game either.
Sorry for the long post.
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