I've (M21) been looking for a girlfriend for a while, although recently I've taken a break from dating, the apps, deleted my social media. Now I am pretty much off the grid. I've been focusing a lot more on myself and trying to improve the areas of my life that need refinement and understanding the things that are out of my control.As the way it stands right now, many people are alone because of the isolation caused by this pandemic. I completely understand how you all feel, I have been there, and sometimes I get a strong urge for a girlfriend. I watched a video by Alexander Grace (when watching these videos, I keep a skeptic's eye) on how to find high-quality women (but this applies to both sexes), and what I already knew appeared much brighter in my mind, which prompted me to write this to you and I hope you all derive some sort of value from it.There is a hierarchy of relationships, the first being your relationship with yourself. This is a must. You must love yourself, you must strive to become the best version of yourself in every way. Key things: exercise, groom, tell yourself positive things (affirmation from yourself), think more optimistically about your situation, and try to get the gumption to remove yourself from self-doubt. I was in this situation, I hated where I am. I'm a 21-year-old man, good looking, fit, funny, charismatic, and am affluent for my age. Yet I have never been able to hold down quality people, regardless of my abilities to meet and make friends (COVID has dampened my plans to meet more people, as it has for many).So if I have these qualities why am I single? Why don't I have any close relationships with men?
- COVID
- I'm peculiar with who my friends are. I have learned to not be around people who step on my self-esteem or are toxic. I'm in a large club at school, and although I was able to meet a lot of people, I still had a hard time connecting. In hindsight, it's because I never asked the guys in my club to hang out, and I expected them to come to me. Since it's pretty cliquey, that wasn't going to happen.
- I have no social life and no social circle.
- Good people are hard to come by
#3 is the main point here. This is how you will meet more women/men in the best way possible. If you are hanging around losers, expect to meet more losers. If you are hanging around ambitious, kind, generous, righteous people who have good hearts you should expect to meet more good people.The problem: It's hard to meet good people, maybe you can change my mind, but it's always been this way for me.Men and women: Stop hanging around losers. Stop hanging around people who hurt your self-esteem, do be around people who lift you up and support you, make friends with their friends. Make friends with good guys, maybe you don't find them attractive and that's okay, the point is that you want someone to be there for you regardless of their sex.
- A note for women: It is your responsibility to remove waiters or nice-guys. If a guy asked you out in the past and has shown interest in you he is not your friend, he is waiting for an opportunity. This may be a generalization, but I see this happen all of the time. If you know he wants you sexually, or more than friends (you need to make this judgment!). It is your responsibility to remove him as your friend because he is NOT your friend. He is waiting for an opportunity for things to work out. Call them simps if you will, but remember the point here: You want good reliable friends. Don't settle for men who treat you like shit. I don't have experience as a woman, but I have seen my females friends dating apps. Even if they are not generally attractive they will get TONS of likes, and complain about being single. You have the privilege of the times for men to come to you, so judge accordingly, and start making the moves on men you like. Send them messages. Be more particular with their bios, CALL THEM beforehand to judge them. You have this ability to screen too, don't forget! Not only this, but you have more options too. (Generalization, I know some women struggle to get matches, this is just from my experience from seeing my girlfriends dating apps).
- I say this for women because it's more common. Men generally approach women first, men typically "go for" women first, whatever you want to call it. It's the most common, and we are reaching a time where more women are approaching men, which is great, keep that up. Men will linger more frequently, that's why "simp" is a derogatory term for men.
- A note for men: It is your responsibility to remove bad men from your life. And same as my note for women, remove the women who want you, but you don't want. It's not fair to either of you to keep them in the "friend zone" if they don't have the self-respect to do it themselves, make that judgment call yourself if you see it. Stop hanging around men who treat women like trash (same for women to men), stop hanging around men who you (deep down) don't respect. Do hang around men who you look up to. Be around, good people. Find good men, find good women friends. As a man, I can tell you that finding women friends is not easy. I wish it were, but it isn't and isn't always ethical, why?
- Also, stop simping. Stop being the guy waiting for the girl to like you. Pick yourself up, respect yourself, and move on. Too many guys have too few options, do not settle for what you can get. This reminds me of a small anecdote: a girl I was seeing told me: Men get who they can and women get who they want. She was of low quality. This was pretty sick to hear. Don't settle for women who treat you like shit. Stop simping.
When making friends of the opposite sex, keep in mind 2 things:
- Do they find you physically or sexually attractive?
- Do they find your personality attractive?
If they find you like both, they are not your friend. I'm welcome for my mind to be changed on this, but with these criteria in mind, it makes being friends with the opposite sex difficult. For me, if I found a girl attractive physically and mentally, I'm not going to be her friend. Keyword: attractive.
TL;DR
Your social circle will help you in the best way to make relationships with others, and hopefully the opposite sex. A lot of people get caught up in self-development, working out to become a sexy beast, working on their sense of style, etc. These things are great and will improve success rates, but if you're not meeting people, the cool way you dress and your massive striated pecs and fat bubble butt aren't going to land you the woman or man you want. You need and should want a positive association. I've heard this since I was a kid and it always runs true, I will paraphrase in my own fancy words:
You are the sum of who you surround yourself with, surround yourself with the best, you will become the best, and strive to be the best. Surround yourself with the worst, and you will become the worst. You have the power of choice; would you rather be alone, or be around people who upset you, tell you negative things, people who you don't learn anything from, people that judge you for being you? I know it's hard because of COVID, but for the future, I will be trying my best to make the most out of my friendships, both for more friends and for the hopes of meeting my girlfriend. I hope this serves you all well, and if you have any concerns with all this leave a comment and I would love to discuss and ultimately edit my post if my mind is changed.
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