This is my first time posting on this sub and this is kinda hard to write out. It's really gross and messed up situation. (M19) I met a girl 3 years ago in highschool she was 15 at the time and I was 16. This was my first and at the moment only relationship I've been in. There was alot of problems... first When we first started dating she opened up to me about her being raped and sexually abused in her last relationship. Through us dating her ex boyfriend would follow her around and stalk her. We went to the school administration multiple times about it and nothing was done. It exsculated to the point of me having to fight the guy to keep him from stalking her. A decision I didn't make lightly btw. I'm not much of a fighter but I didn't know what else to do. However this had a big weight on our relationship. I couldn't just be in love because of her ex boyfriend constantly making things worse. Second about 2 months into our relationship I found out that she cheated on me by sending nudes to some guy in her class. I was devastated but she kept telling me that she was bullied into it. We ended up breaking up over it but got back together a month later. At the time I just thought she was broken. I knew she loved me and me being a dumb kid thought it would be ok. We would break up off and on throughout our 3 year relationship. 3rd we broke up a year and a half ago because she gave me a panic attack. She got upset over something (I can't even remember what it was about anymore) but we were in my car in her driveway. I remember getting upset and asking her if she could leave and give me some time to calm down. It's really the only way I know how to deal with my anger is to isolate myself and calm down. She wouldn't leave my car, she just kept asking me if I actually cared or not over and over. I just remember getting so upset and feeling so trapped because I had no where to go to calm down. I got so upset to the point of me getting tunnel vision. I just remember plugging my ears and closing my eyes and repeatedly asking her to leave me alone to calm down. This lasted for about 10 to 15 minutes. Me screaming at this point for her to leave me alone and her asking if I actually cared or not. When she finally left I went home and was crying, hyperventilating, and shaking. My mom took notice and tried to help me calm down which to me felt like for ever. I'm not sure if this was a panic attack or not. I'm not one to usely get those. But I remember it being really bad. I broke up with her over this and I was starting college anyway so I thought that maybe it would help me to move on. Fast forward to my second semester of college and she snaps me telling me how she wants to hook up still. I wasn't really looking for a relationship anyway and having sex again didn't sound so bad. I told her how I felt about everything up front. I asked if she had slept with someone else and she said yes. I replied saying that it was ok. As long as it wasn't with the person she cheated on me with or one of my friends. And that if she was intimate with someone else in anyway that I didn't want to be apart of it. Plus I wanted her to get tested for stds because in the past she had given me an sti. She claimed came from her ex boyfriend who raped her. We would hook up maybe once a month up to the point where her grandfather died about when covid started to ramp up in my state. I was trying to be nice because of her loss and asked if she wanted to get coffee. We started actually talking again, not just about sex but as friends. We talked for a good month and a half until I confessed how I felt about her. I haven't really ever fallen out of love with her. We ended up talking and getting back together. About a week in she woke me up from a nap to tell me that she had something she needed to tell me. She told me how she had slept with my best friend about a month after we had broken up.... I was (and still am pretty hurt by that information. I fell into a pretty dark depression. I walked into work the next day and actually almost passed out. I need up quitting my job because of the mental state I was in. I felt so gross and used... And I since my friend was so connected to all my other friends... I felt that my relationship with those people had changed alot. Which was true. We would hang out all the time but after the beans were spilled hanging out with them just didn't feel the same. It still doesn't. I'm really upset... I feel really broken and used. I trusted two people and they both stabbed me in the back. Come to find out there was even more to the story... When she had given me the sti it was because she slept with the person she cheated on me with during a time we were broken up. And she had been sexting my friend the whole time she was sexting and doing something with me. I know I made alot of mistakes, I believed alot of her lies. I feel really dumb and really gross and used. I've been depressed for a while... I can't get out of bed.. I failed this semester of college. Covid made things worse. I had no job and thanks to covid I was supposed to do all of my work at home. But my motivation just was no existent. She crossed so many lines and made my relationships with other people feel so different. Everyone knows and I'm not friends with the person she slept with anymore. Which sucks because he's so entwined with my grope of friends. I can't bring myself to go to party's or group hang outs. This whole situation sucks. I know I made some mistakes. I should have broken up with her a long time ago but experiencing love for the first time is very overwhelming. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I have to piece my life together but covid has made it hard to find a job. And I lost all my scolorships for school. I am going to retake all my classes and graduate but for the next semester I'm definitely going to be paying out of pocket. This was really hard to post but maybe it'll help someone or maybe I can get some great advice. I'm not really sure. But talking about it has been very difficult so thanks for reading...
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