hi i'm new to reddit, my friend recommended posting this here for help because i dont know where else to go. Any insight is appreciated :)
For (a lot of) context: We had been friends for a couple years but it wasn’t until May in quarantine that we got super close. We spent a ton of time together when we were living within walking distance- I had feelings and I didn't tell him until he finally opened up and casually suggested we hook up one day. He said he started to get feelings too. For a bit I was happy with our FWB relationship during lockdown since we basically just had each other.. it felt like we were dating and it was so good for a few weeks
But he was pretty against labeling things, and I really wanted to date and be “official” for the added sense of security. He’s a very spontaneous, typical “masculine” guy and I just didn’t see why a label was such a big deal if we were already exclusive and together so much. He agreed to make it official in July after some drama with an ex (too long to explain) and finally I felt more secure.
But then things started getting a lot less convenient in August:
- I graduated and moved downtown (15min driving from him)
- He stayed in his place (with his entire family)
- We only officially dated for a month in person before he had to leave for the military for 3 months
The month before he left, we both had a lot of free time and got to spend a lot of time together. It was overall really good- he was really loving and i felt a lot more sure that he truly cared about me more than just a friend. But then he left for the military at the end of August.
At first it went really well and we called all the time- he sent flowers and coffee and said "i love you" every night. After a while though, he stopped being as sweet and we had several conversations about how I needed a little more validation and words of affirmation to feel secure. I needed to hear “I love you” or “I miss you” but he just didn’t give enough. He would also say really inconsiderate things like poking fun of "breaking up,” treating it like it was a joke and not serious. I clearly got upset a lot of times and would just go silent.
For a while I would consistently get super sad but didn’t feel like I could show that to him since it might push him away more. I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I was kind of right- we broke up when he got back around Christmas.. but it lasted a solid 3 hours and then he called me sobbing saying he couldn't lose me as his best friend. He said in his "ideal world" we would be best friends- but I told him I couldn't do that and if we broke up, I couldn't talk to him JUST as his friend after all this time. it just felt like he would get everything he wanted and I would be heartbroken. After the 3 hour break up, he said he was willing to keep trying because he couldn't stand to lose me at all.
I spent all of Christmas with his family and then we had a 10 day trip together during the holidays, just us two. It felt like things were back how they were when they were really good. But i have reflected A LOT and notice the recurring issue of convenience. I can’t shake it.
Even though I know he wants to see me, it seems like he only does so when it's convenient for him. For example, if I asked him on Wed what he was doing on Friday, he would just say "idk we'll just see when it comes!" He does this all the time and never asks to hang ahead of time- I always do. and to add to that, he doesn't like sleeping over at mine (even though it's a pretty nice place and we have a lot more privacy). I don’t want to sleep over at his every time esp because he lives with his family and I have work on the weekdays. But I also get that he's in a less flexible place than I am- he doesn't have a car and doesn't want to pay for ubers/expose himself too much to COVID since he's with his parents (which i totally get). I have a car, but I always have to pick him up and drop him off, and it adds up over time making 40min round trips for him when he doesn't seem to make the effort for me.
TLDR I really love my boyfriend and can't stand to lose him, but it feels like he’s only in it when I make things convenient for him. his “ideal world” is us being best friends and I’m not sure how to take that or if this relationship will work out.
What do I do?
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