(35F) here. Just started dating after a 3 year hiatus. I needed to heal after dating a lot of guys with personality disorders and addiction problems. They pretty much mirror my wicked scary mother. So I went on a date 3 weeks ago and I hated it. The guy was physically hot but mentally ugly...so it made him ugly to me all around, no second date needed! Then I start texting with a guy (36M) I met while selling my art, he makes similar art as me and fuck I find that so attractive. We text for like 3 weeks trying to go on a date and it never happens. He says his car is broke down. Well mine was too. Then I had a drink late the other nite and start sending him sexts and even a picture and he says to come pick him up. I don't know what I was thinking? I just really wanted to get to know him in person and spend some time. I fucking know better than to go pick up a guy I barely know late at nite and bring him back to my fucking house. He immediately wanted me to get naked and fuck....I guess I get it because I was sexting him and sending pics. I am super attracted to him mentally/physically/spiritually so I just went for it. 3 years no sex, why the fuck not. I am not getting any younger right? It was fun, like he made sure I squirted and came a lot but he would not kiss me much (which makes me feel ugly or like I have small lips, but maybe he has kissing trauma???). He also could not look me in the eyes during sex, like at all (maybe he is neurodivergent or has trauma?) My new rule for dating was no sex until after a few dates and I broke my rule. Now he is texting me that he really likes me and he can see this developing.......he is working on fixing his car. We are supposed to hang out again tonite after I work and he said "lets go have a drink at my friends and then go back to your place and you can sit on my face." I agreed...but I really want to go on dates before I have anymore sex with anyone. I feel cheap and weird that I just gave it up without a date. I feel conflicted. Being taken on a date is a sign of respect right, or is it just some dumb rule we made up? I broke my own rules and yeah I feel dumb and like he probably sees me as easy. I was raised by a female psychopath and did not realize it until I was 32, so this is really difficult. This is after 3 years of deep self work, self esteem building, breaking severe codependency issues, mothering and fathering myself and trying to learn more about why I am attracted to people with personality disorders and addiction issues and how not to attract those people anymore. Also I am a Libra and he is an Aquarius. I used to date leo men and pisces men a lot. I dunno. I'm thinking of telling him tonite that I'd like to go on some more dates before we have sex again. I want to tell him that I broke my own rule and am disappointed in myself. If he is a good person and actually likes me he will respect my boundaries and be understanding. Right?
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