Since jumping into the dating pool after multiple long-term relationships, I learned to match energy and not commit farther in any area than the other person does. Seems it still doesn’t protect me from getting hurt.
Met a guy OLD, together almost a month. It was relaxed, healthy, mutual effort. We took things slow but were enthusiastic at the same time. We checked in daily, dates 3x a week, he initiated consistent physical contact like holding hands, cuddling, back scratches. (We didn’t sleep together). We had good communication, so I thought. He asked me to meet his friends and verbalized how much he liked me and enjoyed our time together. Never did I push labels or for him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. I did put in just as much effort however, planning dates, giving gifts etc.
Recently, we had a date planned during the week, and I was coming to spend the night for the first time the weekend following, per his request. A few days ago, the energy and frequency of texting changed drastically on his side. The day before our date I asked what was up and he gave me the typical “work is stressful” response. I told him I was there for him but if it was something with us he needed to tell me. He then opened up saying he wasn’t 100% sure he was ready for a relationship. Idk where that pressure was coming from but respected his feelings. I asked if he wanted to take things slower or be done entirely. I gave him multiple opportunities to end things, even said “if it’s me you need to tell me now.” He assured me multiple times it wasn’t me, I was great, he was ready to date more seriously and we fit well together. Life was just crazy for him and he wanted to slow things down. I agreed and said I was down to talk more in person. He said he was looking forward to tomorrow and the weekend.
The day of he was much better over text. I spent the day getting dolled up and drove all the way to meet him in his home town. I wanted to talk before but he insisted we go out first. We had a nice romantic dinner that he paid for (I was surprised cause we normally split the bill). Afterwards at his place shit hit the fan. He told me wasn’t ready for a relationship. I said that’s OK, I wasn’t expecting to be bf and gf right away. He said “No, this is it. This is done and we won’t see each other again.” Now, according to both my own experiences and others, I am an attractive, genuine, laid-back woman. I could count only on one hand the amount of times I’ve been rejected or broken up with. This was the first time it was done to me in person and considering our conversation the night before, I was blindsided.
He was so straight-faced and blunt I could not wrap my head around it. I got emotional and he threw out typical lines: “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I thought I was ready but I don’t want anything with anyone.” “You remind me too much of my exes.” Anyone is entitled to end a relationship. But what is not OK is playing with my feelings for a month and when I give you the opportunity to bring it to a mutual natural end you take my power away so that you can have control. That’s the only logical conclusion I can come to right? Or does this shit just happen? He told me he wanted to take me on one last date and felt like paying made it better. He wanted to do it in person because he respected me and I have been nothing but kind to him. But I didn’t feel respected. Afterwards he drove me back to my car and hugged me before I left.
What the hell happened, and what could I do differently to avoid this? The guy I was with before him said almost verbatim the same shit to me but 3 months in and over text. Both of them got right back on the dating apps as well, I’m not even sure they deleted them. Help a girl out who’s just trying to navigate the dating world in her 20s.
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