It has been a year after I have been my ex. He called me last night and I picked up with thinking it was some random caller. It was 2 am and he was the one that called- it was almost a year since we had spoke.
Context- I had spent the majority of my high school with him and we have been through a lot. On and off break ups- and at the end of high school, what I though was going to be with me forever did not work out that way after I went to college. Things had gotten rough and we abruptly ended our 2 years together over an argument over the phone. (Fall 2017)
A year after that I was the one that contacted him and we reconnected. (Summer 2018) The only thing was we reconnected at such a bad time. During that time I reached out to him- he was already talking to a girl that same week. That week- he ended up choosing her instead of me. That summer we tried to stay friends but during that summer, a lot of the lines blurred. That summer, I was still with my ex- while he was with another. It was a very disgusting point in my life that was filled with lies, manipulation and self hate. I was at a really point in my life where I could not see where I was. I was chasing after someone that was going for someone else. There were many times were we both knew what we were doing to each other was wrong. There was a part of me where I wanted it to stop but I was in lust and he told me to still stay. At that time/ I did not understand what self love and I was chasing after something that made me felt loved. What that was at the time was not self love- it was manipulation and abuse. If he loved you/ he would only love you, and no one else. I looked back at this point in my life and realized all that time I was with him, I hated myself. After all that time, the girl had found out and that caused him to cut it off from me completely. I was left empty. (Fall 2018)
Fast forward to now (Fall 2019) I had received a call in the middle of the night 2am. I answered it thinking it was some blood donor call. It was him, I was very confused. He told me he wanted to talk and he gave me a good reason to see him, so I just drove. We talked in the car and he continued to say how much he could not stop thinking of me. During the time I mourned a year ago- I though this was all I wanted from him- for him to say he wanted me. This was not what I needed. For the first time in 3 years I had seen through the lines and saw the real him. It finally made sense and I saw through all the manipulation that night- I saw what I had been falling for. For the first time, I had caught myself. I understood that he was not what I wanted- I needed myself. I had a feeling of self love and I didn’t need his validation anymore because I had realized what I needed within me, was me. I’m at a point in my life where I like where things are and I don’t need someone to complete me because I am still trying to complete myself first. For all the people out there looking for love- find self love first- because if you don’t- you would constantly be finding it in a person that does not love you. I hope someone can relate to this/ helps someone. Love yourself first.
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