F21. Long story but please bare with.
I ended it with a guy I had been with for just three months. The highs were insane. He was besotted with me, I was too but overwhelmed with fear all the time so this wasn’t as explicit, he didn’t feel it as much. He believed he was a “lap dog” to me , that’s how he describes it now - I never treated him directly bad but I would reply to guy friends I had slept with prior to the relationship. One of which I somewhat carried a conversation with over snapchat - we sent pictures back and forth, it was only a very quick chat , I never flirted, I was just polite and ended the chat as soon as. But I would not have been ok with him doing that I don’t think. I can’t believe I done it and didn’t think twice.... i also spoke to two other guys, one was a guy I had a sexual friendship with two years before and we had been strictly friends since - I’m speaking to him while with my partner I very rarely carried a conversation unless he was upset over a girl but I did say I’d stay at his apartment when I travel to his country if I’m not with my current bf.. I can’t believe I said that. The last guy was a stranger I’ve never spoke to and it was when the relationship was g good (I’ll get to why in a minute). The conversation was about me being confused about my current because my best friend on other side of world had recently blocked me due to me getting into a relationship and I was struggling to deal with that and that caused confusion about my feelings —- did I actually like my best friend more if I was so hurt by him leaving? I don’t know why I decided to speak to a random guy about this. I told the current and showed all the conversations except the one with the guy over snapchat due to it being all in photo 10secs snaps.
When I first met this guy, I was not ready for anything. I had been single for three years and my ex was abusive so I was pretty traumatised by relationships. I had/ have abandonment , trust issues. I am not a very jealous person and it takes me a long time to gain feelings but once I’m all in, I cannot let go. I ended up getting into a relationship with this guy anyway despite being not ready. I was transparent about all of this. It resulted in me having doubts about us every week, every week for a month I’d question our compatibility. I was just scared of opening up, him seeing the real me, I fought and fought for validation really. I had feelings for this guy so quick and it messed me up. Of course, my confusion really hurt him.
On top of that I also put this on him... i said at the very start of the relationship that I had like a 1% what if type deal with my best friend that lives on the other side of the planet. I had spent a bit of time with him in person but most of our friendship was online due to moving back to my own country. We never got to explore the connection, we just knew it was an unbelievably strong one. The time we had spent though we came to the loose conclusion we had no romantic/ sexual chemistry. We were meant to be friends.
Now when I got with my most current, this best friend went silent and ignored me. his relative said it was because I got into a relationship essentially. this was unexpected as I had been speaking virtually with this guy for two years almost and we said we could date / never flirted / kept it strictly platonic besides one time I initiated a conversation about becoming more than just friends and he decided we couldn’t until we met because of distance . Needless to say, I was distraught to have lost him. He also went off the rails and became suicide so that messed me up and I was completely consumed by it , almost all I’d talk about with my current. This made him feel very uneasy, worthless etc. He felt I cared for this guy more than him and tbh I probably did because how can you compare a long deep friendship to a at that time month- three month one? I know I should have left though because it was not fair on him. He deserved someone fully invested.
That situation only got worse, I told my current I’d fly to this country to help my best friend and that it was very unlikely but I’d tell him if something went down ?! The fact I said that makes me feel sick. Soon enough, my best friend went ahead and blocked me. It broke me. I was overwhelmed and confused and exploding with emotions, I irrationally ended it with my current, telling him I wasn’t sure on my feelings for my best friend as I was so hurt by him leaving. The feelings weren’t enough to warrant a breakup, of course the way I treated him was. But my reasoning made him feel played and as though I was never in love with him. I was really in love with him, I really self sabotaged. Before I knew it though, he had sent his ex who he had only parted with a few months prior - that he has a young kid with and had been together for many years (he’s a bit older than me), a message confessing his endless love for her......... now, he says this was because I crushed him, it wasn’t true as such but my abrupt ending made him want security, security he had with his ex as he said he knew she’d never leave him. He said it did make him question his feelings for his ex. He also sent a message to his parent saying my personality doesn’t compare to his exes... he says this was just false justification because he was so ashamed I had ended it with him ?
This messed me up SO BAD. Because he had given me such a false sense of security, he said he would marry me and he never really felt that urge with his ex who he was with for years. He said he had settled with her. He wasn’t truly content. He had felt more for me in that short period than he had for his ex in the years they were together. It wasn’t just words, his colleague , family picked up how different he felt / was with me than he was with his ex. He’d never buy her flowers, walk two hours home from work to me if there was an issue, never miss out on this team hobby he has or gaming night, he barely took her out and he loved taking me out. I felt so deceived but confused. What was true.
We weirdly got back together, things were never the same of course.. he got depressed and eventually suicidal after we broke up the final time. Before that, he had told me he started to miss his ex and he had told her this while with me. He was also considering moving up the country to be with his child as being away and missing out on the development was hurting him. We had bad bad arguments over his ex and my betrayal to him. eventually he decided to make the move , we broke up and he started planning it..
A month had passed and I had a recent pregnancy scare so I got in touch with him and we met up to do the tests together, I was petrified. I wasn’t pregnant which we were both happy about as I’m not ready to have a child and he’s not to have another but we were left with feelings for each other. They never went away , I thought they had but after 20 mins of being with him, they really appeared. He felt the same. We quarantine for a week together. We just argued most of it as we both kept flscking, my reasoning was that I didn’t feel he actually loved me and just wanted companionship but I was fighting with myself because history was so conflicting. He flaked because of several reasons. I forgot to mention but I had video recorded him telling me his feelings and sent it to his ex after I found out his message - I am so ashamed of this. It resulted in him not seeing his kid for a little bit as she was pissed. He resented me for that understandably and could never trust me after that. He also wasn’t sure on his feelings for his ex so it wouldn’t be fair on me to be with me. He said he never thought about her when we were together and thought he was over her but he’s not. I don’t understand. They had been together years, if she was “the one” why didn’t he marry her, why did he keep having strong doubts and little interest in her? He has just made his decision it’s final we are over. I am in bits. I really love this guy. How can I get him back . I know he still loves me but I know he doesn’t care as much for me and is bored of the situation really.
I feel so cheated. I know how wrong that is because I messed up SO BAD. I can’t believe I done all those things. I don’t recognise myself. But yet I feel deceived and want answers. I want him to want me, he hasn’t seen me at my best and I long for him to - only then would I accept his decision to break up. He doesn’t believe I truly loved him / love him, he believes I only really want him now because he doesn’t want me really. How do I show him I really did love him/ love him , I’m 100% invested now and chase him while showing self respect and boundaries and also to get back to spark / fun ness of us - all over text? It’s worth mentioning he would not come back to me ever, he’s a stubborn guy. He’d also settle for less so even if he didn’t get full fulfilment with his ex he’d go back and settle for the security I think? He says he thinks he mostly wants her now because they have a kid together and there’s that family element. I don’t want to move on. I want to marry this guy. I cannot stand the thought of just being some diversion in their story. I know I was more to him and I know what we could be. I dont want to be that person that makes their ex realise they should marry their ex. I’d even prefer him to marry a stranger than his ex. Surely if no progress happens after almost 10 years you aren’t right for each other? I don’t know...... I messed up so badly but I’ve grown sooooo much. I know I can be the person he deserves. I am ready.
If you’ve got this far. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please share personal experiences similar and advice. I’d be forever grateful.
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