Unsure about my attachment style. I have anxious cognitions but secure behaviours?

Been reading a book called "Attached" by Amir Levine and I'm confused about my own attachment style.

When I was using a checklist to figure out my own attachment style, I easily concluded that I have an anxious style. For example: "I often worry that my partner will stop loving me" "I think about my relationships a lot" "I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner".

For a comparison, here are the cognitions for a secure attachment style: "If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out other people, I don’t let it faze me. I might feel a pang of jealousy, but it’s fleeting." "If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, I may wonder what’s happened, but I’ll know it’s probably not about me."

But when reading the checklist on how to figure out others' attachment style, which focuses on an individual's behaviour, I came to realize that my behaviours fall under the secure attachment style category. For example:

"Reliable and consistent.• Phones when s/he says s/he’ll phone.• Makes plans in advance and follows through. If can’t make it, gives advance notice, apologizes, and specifies an alternative plan.• Doesn’t go back on promises. If s/he can’t keep promise—explains! " " Introduces friends and family early on.• Wants to make you part of his/her circle of friends. Might not initiate your meeting his/her family, but if you ask to meet them or invite him/her to meet yours, will be happy to.Naturally expresses feelings for you.• Usually tells you early on how s/he feels about you.• Uses those three words “I love you” generously.

Anxious behaviors on the contrary for comparison:

Expresses insecurities—worries about rejection.• Asks a lot of questions about your past partners to assess where s/he stands in comparison.• Tries to see whether you still have feelings for your ex.• Tries hard to please you.• Fears that you’ll stop having feelings toward him/her or will lose sexual interest.

Unhappy when not in a relationship.• You can sense that he or she is desperate to find someone even if he/she doesn’t say so.• Sometimes the date feels like an interview for the “future husband/wife” slot.

And etc.. basically almost all secure behaviours applied to me, whereas almost none of the anxious behaviours applied. There is a discrepancy here and I'm really confused. How do I know which one am I?

submitted by /u/6McGrill9
[link] [comments]

from Dating Advice https://ift.tt/3blzIBU
via IFTTT