I never used to consider that having a physical disability people could see would make a difference to my personal/romantic life, but I'm 25(f) now and I've never dated anyone, not even held someones hand and never been asked out, only ever been kissed by people who were wasted... and now I can't help but wonder if it may be, even just a little bit, that the disability sadly puts able-bodied people off when they're sober (especially when one is younger).
I know that the correct response to this is to say, 'If they're the right person, they won't care', and yes, I agree. I'm just saying, sometimes, looking back, it seems no wonder that I still haven't made a sexual debut, because boys would laugh at me in school and one or two times I tried to tell someone I liked them to fit in (because I didn't really), they literally would run off or laugh. Some would make fun of me online about how I walk. Even at university, I was constantly held at arms length and friend-zoned, only ever attracting men when they were wasted and thought I was wasted too (because of my walk lol). It seems less surprising amongst disabled communities when you say you're disabled and still not dated (or anything else)... as if it's just a fact of life for us to be most likely late-bloomers. But why does it have to be that way?
I hate the idea that I've inadvertently fallen into a cliche; the very cliche I always thought I was better than. Being Demisexual - not feeling immediate sexual attraction, only feeing when you know the person - and disabled as a combo seems more common, because when you have a physical thing about your body that doesn't work right, there's a greater element of trust/explanation needed and a higher potential for danger/fear involved with dating/sex. I guess I just was naive when I was younger and really didn't think people's unconscious biases would get in the way, but when you tell someone you have a disability, there is often a clear projected fear of awkwardness or doing something wrong in their eyes, even if it's just for a minute.
At this point, I'm just bloody praying I'll 'bloom' at all, at this point, because I'm definitely Demi, in that I don't really care for people sexually when I first meet them, until I know a little - and that has only happened twice really in my whole life. And for someone like that, dating apps just don’t work. That, and dating apps can be so much more awful to navigate with a disability, because then you have to have the ‘do I put it on my profile? Do I wait until they know me? Will they look at me with that horrible look of concern and surprise if I don’t tell them at first and then assume I’m drunk?’ Honestly. It’s a minefield and so far has worked for me 0%.
I don't know what my point is here, or if anyone will be able to relate... but what with the pandemic and all, (as if this generation needed ANOTHER reason for dating to be hard!) I feel well and truly condemned to spend yet another year touch-starved and lonely without intimate connection, because we can't exactly go out and meet new people, can we?
SIGH. I don’t know what I’m looking for here - to be seen? To shout into a void? Either way - thanks for listening.
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