I feel awful. I know I am better than this, these ugly feelings. The voice in my head saying I got what I deserved because I didn't be more careful. I've been through so much worse than this, than him, I know I sound so foolish and weak, but it HURTS nonetheless.
We knew each other around town, were friendly, had a date, then one night about a month later, ran into each other and boom. It was like something wanted us to sleep together. I don't regret that, I went into it with an open mind, also knowing I didn't know a ton about him. But everyone I asked said he was a good dude, had nothing but good things to say. Had long-time friends, steady work, hobbies, treated me kindly. So, I didn't feel like I was played. Slept together a few more times, I was hoping things would unfold naturally. They unfolded alright.
Then came the silence, avoidance even discussing what happened. I just wanted to talk about it, it happened so fast, I wasn't ashamed and hoped he wasn't. I honestly liked him and cared about what he thought. I rarely feel attracted and a spark like that with anyone. So when I do, I wanna figure it out.
Then we finally did talk. He didn't want to disappoint me. Said he only did physical, felt like they all end the same, feels like he always has to sign away his life. He apologized for not telling me sooner. Said he couldn't give me what I wanted. Said he wore his emotions down to nubs. Been alone a loooong time. Geeze, I didn't want a marriage proposal, just get to know more. The right people don't chain you down I said. He seemed genuinely frustated and torn. Ok, I get that. Ok, sucks, but I respect your wishes. I tried to move on.
A few months later, after I told him I hoped to see him at an event, I see him walk in with a FWB. Old enough to be his mom. All-over him, bragging how she fucks him (found out she's been bragging about bagging him for a long time to everyone.) Clingy, insecure, can't let him alone for a minute. Apparently boning him when I slept with him too. So she says. He said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else while with me. So someone lied.
I am sick. I thought of him as so much more than just some dick on speed dial. More than just some fun. I was actually interested in HIM. But he'd rather pal around with this washed up, desperate broad who has other dick on the side too. She bragged about this other guy who wants her, and this other. Gross.
I know it's stupid. I KNOW I deserve better than to even give a second of my mental energy to this.
But it just tore me apart to see them and then the photos on Facebook from mutual friends. She's tagging him, staking her territory, liking everything, happy as can be, boosting her ego. Guess that guy she was bragging about being soooooooo in love with a while ago went south. Oh well! I got this fallback dick!! Look at me, I can screw this guy young enough to be my son! And he turned down others younger, so I WIN!! I'm so SPECIAL! Look at me!!!
And I feel like trash. I know I am good enough. I know how big my heart is. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I know whatever that is with her, it is toxic and dysfunctional, and a hot mess. But why does this hurt me so???
And the worst part, I feel like everything I have learned over the years about self love, red flags, compatibility, all the work healing, boundaries, all that, like none of it saved me from getting burned. And I think that's why this especially feels like being gutted. I tried so hard to avoid this, and the universe just went "Oh you think so huh??? Let me see how hard I can hit ya this time." I've been no contact for 6 months, but for some reason, the emotions just exploded in my chest today.
I am so sorry for spewing this all, but right now, I am struggling with this all of a sudden coming back up.
I could use a kinda word internet strangers. Thank you.
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