so my roommate and i have been living together for a bit over a year and a half now since we met when she filled in a spot in my college house last year. our old house originally had seven roommates there and we ended up getting a new house last year with four of us.
at the old house, she had asked when we were gonna go on dates and what we were (we hit it off really quickly upon first meeting and started hanging out constantly - we would even accidentally fall asleep on the couch in the living room together while hanging out on some nights). i would openly tell her that i don’t get involved with my roommates because it would be messy and that i didn’t want a relationship or anything like that.
before she moved in with us, she had come to a party we threw a few months prior and that’s how we first met her. i was drunk and had broken up with my girlfriend a week before, so i had told my friends (who ended up telling her) that i wanted to hook up with her. i ended up chickening out because 1. i was drunk and not thinking straight and 2. i still needed to heal from my breakup before jumping under someone else.
we had laughed about this being our first interaction and make jokes about it a lot, but she has told mutual friends that she thinks our relationship would be different if she and i were to have originally hooked up the first time we met. while my friends had explained that if that did happen we all wouldn’t be living together or be close friends, (i tend to have casual hook ups with people that come and go and don’t really make attachments with them since i’m so busy with college so that would’ve been the case with her) and she insists that it would be different because “it would be [her]”.
she has also told mutual friends that she doesn’t care what i get up to now and who i mess around with because she knows that she and i will end up together but that is not true because i don’t think of her that way. i know i’m also the first lesbian she has met (she is also a lesbian) so i don’t know if that factors into it as well.
i have told her blatantly that she’s become my best friend and that i’m not interested in her that way, and my friends have told her that straight up as well, but she is still pining. this would be okay but now that the semester is over and i’m starting to go out and have people over again, she gets very upset if i hook up or kiss anyone else and projects her feelings into her being upset about something completely different and ends up kicking our guests out of the house if we have a party. when i talk to her about it, she reassures me that she is just anxious and if our guests are staying late that they’re crossing boundaries but she tells my other roommates something completely different (that she doesn’t like who i bring around like my home friends and the other that i decide to hook up with). she also said that she thinks her standard for the people i hook up with is herself, because she is the “perfect person for me”.
she is a bit of an introvert while i’m an adventurous extrovert so i know that since i take her out of her comfort zone she enjoys that but it has gotten to a point where i’m scared how she’ll react if i get into a relationship and also it’s embarrassing that she is controlling in this way and thinks of me as her property or as an object or something.
she also gets mentally unwell and falls into depressive episodes a tad for a few days after i have a hookup or have someone over so i’m extremely worried at how i’m affecting her but i don’t want it to infiltrate me living my life. i love her but i’m not in love with her and i don’t want to hurt her but i genuinely don’t know what to do since she won’t listen to me or my friends.
i have had to friend zone a decent amount of people in the past and i always hate having to but it has never been to this level before. i’m a little scared and wondering if it is getting possessive because she tends to put me on a pedestal and whenever i do something she isn’t particularly fond of she blames other people for being bad influences and demonizes my friends rather than understanding that i make my own decisions and that i am my own person. she also tells me that my home friends (who i have known for more than seven years) don’t know me like she does and that she doesn’t know why i hang out with them.
i would love to get anyone’s opinion on this because my friends and family are just as lost as i am and don’t have much advice due to being dumbfounded. feel free to criticize me as well and be as blunt as possible because if i’m the problem here i need to know so that i don’t hurt her anymore than i already have because i genuinely care about her so much and hate that i’m having this effect on her.
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