HI everyone, first post here, I'm feeling really hurt and down so this might be kind of long. I (23F) haven't been in a relationship since my first one, when I was 16-19. It turned out that I was being groomed and emotionally abused. It has really affected me since then and I find it hard to trust people. I've had a bunch of hookups and flings since it ended (sort of something I needed to get out of my system after finally being "free"), but no one has ever seemed to want to date me seriously. This goes for nearly every interaction I have with guys I meet/get to know. A lot of the time, I end up catching feelings and misreading their intentions with me and end up hurt. I would like to think I’m a kind, objectively attractive, funny, loving person, and honestly I feel like I would be a great partner. My friends are always telling me that I deserve better, that I deserve more, that I just haven't found my person yet, but it's hard to stay hopeful that I'll find love when none of my attempts really work out.
All through uni I have not had any real relationships and as I reach the end I've become lonelier than ever. I see my friends and their bf/gf and it makes me sad that I can't do a lot of the things I want to do with a partner. I just want a serious relationship. I get really jealous of my friends who can always seem to find someone so easily. I know in part it's to do with me, because I don't open up to people that easily for fear of getting hurt, and I tend to be more reserved unless I can really tell what their feelings/intentions are.
Recently, I was deliberately lead on by a guy who I thought had genuine interest in me. I really thought that I had found someone who I shared a connection with and could actually want be with, and I opened myself up to him. It all ended when I caught him in his lies. Around that time, I reconnected with a guy I had a thing with a few years ago. I thought that maybe this time we could try again, and his language and actions indicated that he was still interested in me. The second time we saw each other, he spent a lot of time reminiscing about our past. The time after that, he was being incredibly touchy and kissed me before I pulled away. We'd seen each other a few times now and I decided to just ask him what his intentions were, and he replied that he just wanted to be friends.
As I get closer to finishing uni and start thinking about what my future, I feel regret that I didn't get to experience anything meaningful these past few years. It just feels like these guys either just want me for my body or what I can do for them rather than trying to get to know me and date me seriously. I guess what hurts isn't that this particular guy doesn't want to be with me, but that each person solidifies the thought that I'm unworthy of love and that no one would ever actually want to be with me. I'm scared that I won't find my soulmate. I know 23 isn't old, but I feel so inexperienced and like I'm missing out. It would be so easy to just write everybody off and not open myself up to people anymore, to just protect myself behind my walls again so I don't get hurt. I want a loving relationship but I'm so disenchanted by all of my experiences that I don't know if I can wholeheartedly believe I'll find love anymore. Sometimes I think I'll never find it and just end up alone and that terrifies me. I don't even know if it's possible for someone to genuinely love me and want to be with me.
Has anyone ever felt like this? How do you stay hopeful that you'll find love? I'm feeling so lost and I don't know what to do.
TLDR: Never been in a meaningful relationship and scared I never will. Been hurt a lot and don't know how to stay hopeful that I'll find someone. Any advice is appreciated!
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