10 things to look for in a potential partner

Hi,

I've never made an informative post before, but a few days ago I had a really insightful chat with two couples who have been married for quite long (one for over 15, the other for over 20) that I'd like to share with you. I asked them for some tips on what to look for in a husband because I am 25, relatively newly single and I would like to get married and start a family in the future. They were really insisting on me making a list of things I am looking for in a partner to filter out bad apples but I know for a fact that I am not good at judging what is good for me (not exactly the best role models growing up, I'm sure plenty of you can relate) so I asked them to compile a list for me. I half expected it to be mostly bullshit but this turned out to be the most solid advice I've ever received. So here we go.

I've done my best to be as precise as possible and explain the reasoning behind each prerequisite so please bear with the possibly awkward use of language. Another thing I'd like to add before I start is that this list is also self applicable. That is to say if you do not tick most of these boxes, you are probably not ready/fit for a healthy (key word: healthy) marriage/long term partnership.

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1. Kindness

I put this one first because it's the most broad filter. You want someone who does have kind intentions and who doesn't just do harm for kicks. Pretty self explanatory. If they aren't kind to you, they won't become kind to you in the future. If they aren't kind to others, they will find a reason to turn on you in the future. This is the most basic prerequisite on the list.

1. Similar hobbies

You want someone who has at least one hobby in common with you. Something you are both passionate about, preferably something interactive, and something that isn't your job. Because one day when you're both sitting around, with only free time and each other's existence, having nothing to do with each other will weigh down on you. (This also means making sure they have hobbies in the first place). One of the couple's mutual interests were food and partying, and boy could you tell their chemistry when they spoke of these topics. It can be anything, just make sure you can do it/talk about it together. Couples that play together stay together.

1. Compatibility

Another self explanatory one. Someone with whom you can banter, with a similar sense of humour, with whom the conversation flows easily, who can relate to your emotions and who generally you feel good being around (physically too). This is also often called "chemistry". If you don't have good chemistry, you won't get along as people, and if you don't get along as people, you won't last long together.

1. Proof of hard work/dedication

It goes without saying: relationships are hard work. When you decide to enter a long term partnership with someone, it is understood that you become each others' rocks. This means that if one of you gets into trouble of sorts, you need to be able to rely on the other person. This is why you want your potential spouse to be hard working. The most conventional way to tell if someone is hard working is if they are holding a stable job or are taking their education seriously. Key word "conventional". There are plenty of other ways to tell, but the point is that your proof needs to be "tangible", because talk is cheap.

1. Appreciation for their friends

Friends reflect who you are as a person to a certain degree. They also reflect the kind of relationship dynamic you enjoy. Friends also have some influence over you. When you are "evaluating" a partner, it's important to see that you also generally like the kind of dynamic they have with their friends. This also requires them to have friends. As someone who is attracted to introverts, this was an eye opener for me. Having no friends is a red flag because it is sign of poor communication skills, which will weigh down on your relationship with time. You also run the risk of them being overly dependent on you if they have no friends.

1. Mutual Respect

This point deserves to stand on its own. It's very important. What does mutual respect look like? In a disagreement, are you both able to still see each other as equals? Do either of you feel the desire to call the other an idiot or demean them in any way? That’s an easy way to tell if you still respect them, emotionally. Without mutual respect, one of you will quickly feel like they are giving more than the other as you will lose sight of the value they are bringing to the relationship. Also, without respect, you no longer have a reason to be honest with each other or care about each other's thoughts. However, with respect, you are both more inclined to uphold your virtues around each other, keep each other accountable and be true to your words.

1. Similar background

This one hit me hard because I have a very unique background and upbringing, but the reasoning behind it is sound. This is not something that comes out as an issue in one year, or even five, but after 10 years, I saw this weigh down on my father, existentially. You need someone who can understand and relate to your upbringing. In a sense, you want someone with similar demons to yours. This point is nuanced because this doesn't mean sticking to someone from the same culture/class/race as you or anything like that. The human experience is universal. But you ought to be with someone who can really understand these fundamental parts of you. One of the husbands who was there when we made this list told me "when I started dating for marriage, I wrote on my list that I wouldn't date someone from a single parent household. I simply would never understand those scars. Why would I subject someone to a lifetime of non-understanding?". The key word here is "similar". Don't bother going around looking for your personality clone, that would make for an extremely boring relationship. Do look for someone with whom you have similarities in your past/upbringing.

1. Vision of the future

This one is also straightforward but I put it quite low in the list because it is something that takes time and vulnerability to open up about. There are a few things to look for here:

• Is this person future oriented? Do they have a goal? Someone who lives by the day is fantastic but is not fit for a long term relationship, which is the purpose of this list. You need some sort of idea of where you would like to end up in the future.
• Are your plans for the future similar to theirs? With time, you are going to be tying your lives together, so you do want to be with someone who generally wants to end up in the same place in life. Conventionally this conversation looks like “Do you want kids? What does your ideal home look like? Where would you want to retire?” Another way to look at this is: when they describe their dreams for the future, can you see yourself happy in that scenario?
• Finally do they see you in their future? Are they making plans that include you? And vice versa. If you are not somewhat consistently a main character in the life story they are writing, you are going to end up in a lonely relationship.

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1. Financial responsibility

Does this person know how to handle their finances? If they do not, do they know that they need help? If they are in debt, do they have a plan to pay it off? This is a more practical aspect that needs to be checked off the list. Some people call it “financial compatibility”. It doesn’t matter how high paying of a job your partner has, if they are consistently blowing off their paycheck/going into debt, this will weigh down on your relationship eventually. A show of financial responsibility is also a solid show of responsibility in general, which is an important trait to have for a long term relationship.

1. Family Oriented

This one is mostly for if you’re looking to start a family/have kids but it can be a good thing to look for generally in a long term partner. When you marry/commit to someone, you are becoming family. How this person feels about family will likely extend towards you in the future. That’s why it is generally a good thing to look for someone who does value family. Families come in all shapes, sizes and dynamics, and being family oriented is often a challenge for most people. This one is difficult for me because come from a broken home, and like I said at the start, this is also a self-assessment list. What you’re looking for ultimately is someone who finds family important, because this is a sign that they will stick with you through the really challenging shit that life inevitably hands you.

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A few ending notes:

• It is important to remember that with time, people change and evolve. This is why I was told to follow the “3 month rule”. Every 3 months, go through the list again. Check if you are both still really “in” this relationship. Check in. Are you happy with this person? Are you with them because you want to be or because it is routine at this point?
• If you haven’t been married yet and you want to get married, it’s worthwhile to consider finding someone who hasn’t been married either. Apparently it’s quite a special thing, experiencing married life together for the first time. I don’t know how true this is, I’m just reiterating what the elders told me.
• Lastly, and this is mostly my observation, there seems to consistently be space for one exception. Among both of these couples, each person had one box in this list that they didn’t “tick”, so to speak.

So there it is, u/Miriene's ultimate guide to finding a long lasting partner. I hope it helps some of you. It helped me get over someone I seriously thought I loved by making me realise that no matter how much time passed, our relationship would have only become more difficult, no matter how much he promised me things would get easier. If you’ve read this til the end, I thank you and please come at me with your counterarguments and also your advice. This is something I’d like to have in my life and I don’t have the role models for what makes a healthy relationship so I will take all the help and advice I can get.

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Best wishes!

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