I've been seeing someone for the last couple of months. She's 28 years old and we work together. The first few dates went really and last week we ended up kissing/making out for the first time. It was honestly a great night.
On Monday this week we went out and I was already tired that day and not my best self. The mood really wasn't right but I felt a bit pressured from the week prior to keep things coming. I didn't want her to feel let down or like I wasn't interested but I don't think she felt that way at all. When we left I kissed her, which we hadn't done that night. She said she wanted to keep kissing me so I invited her to my place.
This was a huge mistake. For starters, I lodge with a family who don't allow guests so I felt like we were sneaking around and it put me a little on edge. This was also my first time with someone in about 3 years so I was a little anxious. The mood just wasn't right either that evening as I was tired and as a result it just wasn't feeling as intimate. I wanted to do this but I was also tired and not my best self. We didn't go all the way but we went further than previously since we didn't have condoms or anything. I wasn't expecting her to come over tbh. I also wasn't sure how much to escalate and made sure to check in a lot as I wasn't sure how far we'd go. Overall I had a good night, and at the time I just felt excited to see her again.
Today she asked me if I felt weird that night. I said no because I didn't think it was weird, I was just nervous about a lot of things. I asked her what made her feel that way. She said it just felt a bit unnatural. I asked if it was me and she said no, but I told her I was nervous about sneaking her home and the mood not being right. She said she still wants to spend time with me and said we should take things slowly so we can process things and organise a date for next week.
I know this isn't a terrible outcome but I feel terrible because of my terrible decision making. I honestly could've just told her I wasn't feeling it that night but I just felt some sort of pressure to perform that I didn't. Now I'm worried I'm going to overthink everything between now and then and ruin the whole thing which I really don't want to do. I just want to enjoy this thing we have.
I've never been a very romantic person tbh and I struggle to create intimacy normally but so far with her it's been easy. Just now I feel like I've screwed up.
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