Hey Reddit, I would love to get your advice on something. I'm usually afraid to reach out for help but I think this is important enough, so please bear with me. Tldr in the bottom.
When I started college there was this girl who I had a crush on. She had a boyfriend, but it didn't really matter, or so I thought, cause I barely knew her and so I moved on. About a year or two later, through mutual friends, we started hanging out a lot. And as time goes, we became closer and closer, much closer than I initially expected. Well, as we continue to hang out, my crush for her resurfaced, and I fell for her, but she was still with her boyfriend. You don't have to tell me how stupid that was cause I've told myself that everyday now. Last year, our friend group celebrated st. Patrick's in my apartment. Everybody got super drunk and she slept in my bed with me, we didn't do anything, we just got drunk and passed out. The only thing major that happened was I guess we cuddled that night, and she held me before she got out of bed to leave in the morning.
The next day, she texted me asking if I had a crush on her. Before her, I have never came out and told my crushes that I do have a crush on them, and I thought that she was important enough that she deserved to know. Of course the real world is not a fairy tale, and she told me that she has thought about being with me but ultimately decided that she doesn't see me that way. She told me that we should take a break from each other, but she would love to still be friends. This might be weird, but because we were so close I was happy that she still wanted to be good friends. I guess I just wanted her in my life, and if that only means we are just friends, then so be it. She told me that our friend group was the first time she was afraid to lose people in her life, and she was happy that I didn't push her away. I felt the same way, I told her that after being forgotten by long-term friends (7+ years) I made prior to college, all I wanted was for the people in my life to stay in my life. Fast forward to fall time of last year, she started to become really distant. We used to send memes to one another, play those Facebook messenger pool ball games, and just texted/talked a lot. Out of nowhere she stopped doing all that. I didn't get any explanation or anything. Out of nowhere, I lost my closest friend, and it felt like the world turned its back on me. I was hurt, alone, and I've never felt so depressed. I mean she told me that she was afraid to lose me as a friend but then pushes me away? Why? Unfortunately, that pain became resentment. We are still 'friends' but really, we're just husks of what we used to be. Recently I've been having thoughts of wanting to hurt her the same way she hurt me, and I hate myself for thinking that way. I want her to be happy, and I despise that everything turned out to be what it is now. I just want my friend back. What do you guys think I should do? And please don't tell me to just move on. This is too important to walk away from, I think, but I guess I'm asking you guys cause I'm not really sure. Please help. If you've read all that, thank you for listening. I haven't had anybody to talk to about this, and it feels good to let it out.
Tldr - had a crush a girl, and she doesn't feel the same way. She said she was afraid to lose me as a friend, but then became really distant. Now I feel resentful and I hate that I feel that way. I just want us to be close again.
Sorry, if this has been all over the place/unstructured, I haven't had a good night sleep because of this.
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