This is a guide to clarifying your own needs, desires, boundaries, willingness to give and supporting actions.
Background: After my last LTR (5 years ago), I have struggled with the cycle of attracting “confused” people with wishy washy behaviors. Mind you, the people whom I liked and managed to date (some for quite some time) were, otherwise, very put together individuals. However, one thing was always in common between them, they were all confused about what they wanted. I soon began to realize that I AM JUST AS CONFUSED about what I wanted. Naturally, the people who “went with the flow” seemed more appealing. I think many will relate to this in this dating culture. The problem with these individuals is we would always go on to develop dynamics such as on-off, hot/cold, be in then be out etc. Sure, it was go-with-the-flow and a low pressure dynamic. In fact, some of these “entanglements” even fulfilled me emotionally to a good extent. However, as far as emotional depth and intimacy go, they would fall short and eventually I knew I wanted more.
With that being said, it was still difficult to define what it was that I wanted. I understand that for some, they’re trying to reach a certain goal, maybe have kids get married, etc. Those are a great start. However, as many of us come to learn - it’s not that simple. Navigating people and situations can be difficult so having a clear set of rules and values defined for yourself can be so helpful.
One day I really put my all into dissecting my “relationship psyche” and created this extremely helpful guide for myself, which I will share here, in hopes that maybe it will help others as well. I know this guide has helped me a lot since I’ve created it. It allowed me to put my “relationship ideas” which were floating about [disorganized] in my head into words, clear actions, and repercussions.
This guide is personal to me but can apply to you but you should come up with your own. It contains 4 basic sections which are all extremely interdependent of one another and are all important to clarify. The important part is not to provide cookie-cutter things but to really think about what’s important and what you will actually be able to do. So here it is.
Section 1. How do you want the person to show up?
IN A PERSON I WANT SOME WHO . . . 1. Is consistently there for me. 2. Can communicate and be straight forward with me and the people around them. 3. Isn’t conflict avoidant and can face issues head on. 4. Challenges me to be a better person. 5. Wants to satisfy me sexually and is willing to be sexually explorative. 6. Independent and has their own goals in life. 7. Strives to improve themselves emotionally, intellectually, and physically. 8. Has the courage to be transparent with their feelings. 9. Respects my space and my boundaries. 10. Can provide a feeling of stability, safety, support, warmth, and comfort, physically and emotionally. 11. Knows how to take care of their own needs at times and doesn’t always rely on me. They do not need me, they want me because I add value to their life. 12. Gives me a general feeling of adding value to my life. 13. Can be intellectually stimulating with their own opinions and thoughts. 14. Is emotionally and physically loyal. 15. Someone whose actions align with their words.
Section 2. What kind of partner are you willing to be in return for what you desire?
IN RETURN, I CAN . . . 1. Be a supportive partner. 2. Challenge them to be a better individual and get to their full potential. 3. Provide sexual variety and exploration. 4. Be open minded but loyal emotionally and sexually. 5. Create a safe and open emotional environment. Safe space from the outside world. 6. Be independent and self-reliant when I need to be. 7. Manage my negative emotions. 8. Be a source of positive and joyful feelings. 9. Engage in intellectually stimulating conversations. 10. Be explorative of the world and surroundings. 11. A stable individual to achieve mutual goals with. 12. A person who can offer sound and logical advice. 13. Provide a soothing and loving (physical and emotional) touch of warmth and compassion. 14. Be there during tough times. 15. Be open and yielding in compromise and trying to meet their needs, creating a relationship that works for us. 16. Be committed, not only to the relationship itself, but to my own spiritual growth within it and our growth together.
Section 2. How will you handle yourself when you need to speak up?
TO SET BOUDATIES, I WILL . . . 1. State lovingly that they’re not meeting an expectation and tell them what that expectation is. 2. Knock them off the pedestal when they’re not putting forth the effort or where effort drops substantially. I will match their efforts until they pick up the effort or the relationship ends up going extinct. 3. Kindly say goodbye if the relationship starts making me feel bad more times than good. 4. Give credit only where credit is due with friendly attention for effort and consistency. 5. Acknowledge and reward extra effort with very positive attention and appreciation. 6. Not react and remain unaffected when they’re trying to get a rise out of me by unpleasant behavior such as hot/cold, intentional induction of jealousy etc. 7. Call them out on things such as repeat offences, inconsistencies, broken boundaries, manipulations AND tell them what I expect from there on out. 8. Come back to this list often, read it and make sure I am enforcing it.
Section 4. What will you do to maintain your emotional equilibrium if things don’t go your way? (These can be common behaviors that you’ve identified of yourself that you have a tendency to do but know are doing you a disservice.)
TO KEEP EMOTIONALLY GROUNDED, I WILL NOT . . . 1. Overextend myself for individuals who wouldn’t do the same for me. 2. Check their social media to seek answers to their behavior and people they date. 3. Get caught up in fantasies of potential. 4. Overanalyze small/minute behaviors. 5. Over-credit (basic) good behavior. 6. Forgive and forget things that felt off about them; things they have done to make me feel uncertainty about their intentions. 7. People please and do things to get attention. 8. Be apologetic/feel bad for being honest, speaking the truth, setting boundaries, or simply being myself.
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