Hi everyone. I’m really scared to write this, but I don’t know who else to turn to. I want to share my story and maybe get some advice.
I have a friend whom I’ve known for about four years. We are very close, spend a lot of time together, and I’ve developed feelings for her that seem to be more than just friendship. She is very important to me, and I often notice her words and actions more than other things, seeing small details and paying a lot of attention to them.
Recently, we started hanging out again, and my feelings have only grown stronger. At the same time, I’m really afraid to tell her. My friends say I could confess, that “everything would be better,” but for me it’s not that simple. I’m scared of her reaction because I don’t know how she feels about LGBTQ+ issues or how she would respond if she knew my feelings.
Back in school, she didn’t have many friends, and I was one of the few people she trusted. We spent a lot of time together, and I felt like we were almost each other’s support system. I always enjoyed being with her, talking about everything, and just spending time together. For me, the end of 10th grade was one of the best periods of my life because of our closeness.
But for her, it was a very different experience — she said that time was actually one of the worst periods of her life because we were “each other’s psychologists,” and it was emotionally exhausting for her. She also said her happiest period was the end of 8th grade, because she had more friends then. For me, this was painful, because I valued our time together and loved those moments, but she saw it very differently.
She also recently admitted that she has always been drawn to another girl in our group. I tried to convince myself that it’s okay, that it’s good for her to feel close to someone else, but inside it really hurts. It feels like I’m satisfied with her being around, but she doesn’t need me the same way.
I also notice a lot of details: sometimes her words feel like commands, and I feel like every small thing relates to me. I constantly analyze her actions and words, even the small ones. I have other friends and relationships, but nothing compares to how attached I am to her. All my energy goes into caring for her, understanding her, and being there.
I want to be honest about my feelings, but it’s so complicated. I’m afraid of losing her as a friend, because I’m scared she won’t understand or will push me away. I’m afraid that confessing could change our relationship. Soon, I’ll be going to university, and it will be very hard to maintain this closeness, but I really want to.
So I’m asking for advice:
How can I understand my feelings and whether I should tell her?
How can I handle this imbalance in closeness and emotional investment without hurting myself?
How can I prepare for the fact that her reaction might be unpredictable because of her views on LGBTQ+?
How should I act if I’m scared of damaging the friendship but my feelings are strong?
I want to understand myself and carefully work through these emotions. I’m scared, but I don’t want to keep suffering in silence.
Any advice or similar experiences would be very valuable to me. Thank you for reading.
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