Really having this question after an unprecedented - for me - string of first dates that went nowhere. 23M, reasonably attractive - peak of winter was a little dead, and sometimes I wasn’t using the apps because of burnout, but I can get approached on occasion and have no trouble getting multiple matches a week without paying for any app.
I’ve noticed something. It could just be correlation, but on basically all of my ‘successful’ dates (lead to a hookup and/or 2nd date) at least one of these things were true:
1) The date started ‘active’ / outside in some way. There was natural room for some movement and not just sitting across from each other.
2) It was late at night and I ended up drunk. I feel like I might not be 100% attentive during dates or able to build chemistry even if I’m talking. There’s just too much in my head distracting me. I’m talking having a few shots before the date AND a few drinks to feel like I get to the point where instinct takes over and I have better odds.
But…
So many dates are just at a bar for happy hour, or a meal, or a coffee shop. I feel like women are looking for this mythical ‘spark’ to happen. When they take 5 seconds to actually text me back and say they didn’t feel it, I kind of do agree, but I don’t have that EXPECTATION that it’s supposed to emerge so quickly. I would say I can keep a solid conversation going and ask good questions but I just can’t create the expected tension in these environments.
But it all feels so sterile. I might walk in and get a table for 2 and I’m literally seated across from them at a low-top. That sounds like just the environment for basic small talk ‘friend’ conversations and I don’t see how that’s even supposed to transition to whatever I’m supposed to do as a heterosexual man.
And I’m socially expected to pay, $50+ just to get two cocktails or an entree each let alone anything more each time. Meanwhile they can just keep swiping and go through their hundreds of matches and 10 dates to get their ‘spark’ or whatever with no financial stake in the process. No time to even send a quick ‘hey I didn’t feel it’ but time to go back into infinite swiping.
I guess it complicates the whole active side of things that I live somewhere with awful weather. Yesterday, on April 7, it was barely above freezing during the day and everything was still dead. During close to 50% of the year if I want to do something on an evening I’m stuck with these awkward indoor dates.
End rant, idk
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