this is a long post - consider it more of a story, and if anyone actually reads it it will be a miracle.
so i (f26) guess this is a rant post? maybe it's just sharing insights, i don't know yet - i just need to put these thoughts and observations in writing.
so i rejoined the wonderful world of dating about six months ago following the break up of my 5 year relationship. there has been a mix of online and real life encounters, but amongst them all i realised one thing - i was not prepared.
i have not been looking for anything serious as i am moving away, and i knew that all along. i also wanted to be single. i was just looking for hook ups and casual fun, that would be easy to get as guys always use girls for sex, right? wrong.
OLD was an absolute nightmare at first - for whatever reason i kept encountering guys who legitimately wanted to get to know me (what dickheads), and any guy that was up for a hookup then seemed to scared to actually commit to meet.
now i am by no means a supermodel, but i know that i'm not unattractive. getting laid however, as easy as i expected it to be given what i thought i knew about guys, was a massive struggle.
eventually i hooked up with a guy i had known for a while, who proceeded to profess his love for me and then drop off the face of the planet only to reappear back with his ex gf who, according to him, was a psycho.
finally got some traction OLD, and have managed to meet in total six in real life. some have been pleasant, others not as great.
one guy turned into a kindof fuck buddy situation but one which he decided to confuse with a lot of communication and weird, relationshipy activities. he ended up ghosting - my assumption is that as i was mirroring his actions he decided i must be developing feelings and he didn't know how to cope. because no girl can just want a casual thing, right?
another guy acted as though he wanted a relationship, despite me saying multiple times i would sleep with him regardless as that's all i wanted and there was no need for the games - he categorically denied that he was lying. turns out he did only want sex.
one guy came too soon, had his ego bruised, and got really quite angry.
one guy i ate pizza with and no hook up (not sure how this happened but chalking it up to being hungry and bored on a friday night).
one guy tried to choke me during sex after telling me that he was a small time criminal. then got butthurt when i told him to stop and proceeded to leave.
one guy decided to tell me i had let him down when i quickly realised upon us meeting that there was no sexual attraction from my side, and so we had a nice chat before i said i needed to leave. sidenote on this - he then text to ask when i was coming round again and i decided to be honest, he took it very well.
and finally, my favorite - a guy i never actually met - who hurled abuse at me via various different communication platforms for a couple of days after i asked to reschedule our meet despite not firmly agreeing to it in the first place, and then acted surprised when i said i had no desire to meet him after that.
interspersed between these there have of course been other matches and conversations that have led nowhere. not something i expected when i started, but it is now my baseline assumption that we won't ever meet - until they prove me wrong.
am i doing it wrong?
i am not really looking to achieve anything with this post, it's more to get everything out for my own sake. i have realised that i'm probably not as confident as i thought, and that i likely can come on quite strong. i've realised that i need a man and not a boy because despite meeting for the singular purpose of having sex all except one of these guys would not just make the first move but instead had to ask if they could kiss me or if we 'were doing this thing now'
i am slightly concernced for when i actually decide to look for a relationship because this experience has been taxing enough and there have been no feelings involved.
my ego has been bruised, my self confidence knocked, and i am perplexed by most of my experiences.
also, ghosting? fuck that. just be flippin honest man.
anyway, i am now talking to myself cause nobody will read this far but ultimately this has taught me to approach any kind of dating, casual or not, with zero expectations.
liberating but also annoying. i can laugh at most of this now - except the ghosting and the choking (ask permission!)
Edit: spelling and grammar
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