So I'm (f) 19 I've been with my boyfriend (m 18) for over a year and sometimes I really struggle with my self image and it has really negative repercussions on our relationship. I am 5'4 and 215 pounds... so I am on the heavier side and I absolutely hate my body I have small boobs and I just feel like I'm so over weight and revolting I've tried to loose weight before but I have a really slow metabolism and it's hard I've lost alot of weight in the past and always end up gaining more than I started with. The more I focus on how disgusting I find myself and my body the more upset I get. This makes certain sexual aspects difficult as I often feel very insecure when we do anything sexual. Then its hard for me to focus and also hard for me to orgasm. I also frequently feel like I dont deserve to orgasm. In addition to this we never have any privacy both his and my parents are constantly breathing down our necks since we both live with our parents. Were not aloud to lay down together not aloud to have the door closed not allowed to be in his house if his parents arent home it's just so stressful. So if we do have sex it's in his basement on the uncomfortable ass couch and its quiet and I'm super anxious because his parents always come down stairs and we have to rush to get dressed in the time it takes them to descend the stairs which gives me violent anxiety which is another reason I cant focus. This all makes me not want to be intimate but I am also super horny and have needs but my boyfriend isnt comfortable with me masturbating..so I'm left sexually frustrated. And when we do things that are sexual I often end up feeling like it's a burden to him or like what I do is never good enough. I often want to orgasm multiple times during sex and just getting me to orgasm once seems to leave him not wanting to do more and when I ask for more I feel like a burden sometimes he is fine with it but others I end up just getting upset because of the way he responds and end it which leaves a bad taste in my mouth over the entire experience. I dont know if I'm just asking for too much in the bedroom or if he isnt doing enough. The last thing I want to do is make him feel bad about himself since he is also very insecure. There are many instances where I cant figure out if he is genuinely upset with me or if I just feel like he hates me because I am so insecure and this causes me to act distant and nervous. He has a bit of a temper and while he has never expressed his anger at me being around someone who is angry and acts out in anger makes me shut down because i was abused as a child and have seen my mother be in multiple abusive relationships and i have a deadly fear of ending up like her. At this point I just feel like everything is going wrong and I feel terrible and I tried expressing this to him and it just made him upset. I also do not have a single friend so I have no one to talk to so I feel super alone and confused. Any advice would be great. (I am so sorry this is a whole ass novel)
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