Hi all, 29(m) here and I have come to the realization of just how judgmental I have been throughout my 20's, all while thinking I just had "standards" or "preferences". I'm going to lay it all on the line here and acknowledge what I've come to terms with through deep reflection, so I ask that you try to refrain from simply telling me to "get over it" or "Stop being misogynistic". I am looking for advice on changing thought patterns or perhaps good books and articles to read.
My Judgement:
Since my first "serious" relationship at the age of 18, I have hyperfocused over my partner's sexual past, to the point of not wanting to continue dating them. I tend to (for some unknown reason) put these women on a pedestal and form some high expectations that they have hopefully not "slept around". This opinion / expectation of mine is based off of simple things such as where I met them (school function, bar, etc), how they dress (more so modest or revealing), how they talked (do they curse regularly, joke crudely, make sexual references), etc. I will say setting expectations is a good way for failure and also that you should not judge a book by it's cover.... because I was always wrong.
Throughout my 20's the women I have dated always appeared on the "conservative side" but they had slept with 7,10,15,20 partners. Some of them having only slept with their partner in a relationship, while obviously the higher numbers were people who had slept around casually. Now I will say, there is not something wrong with someone who chooses to sleep around casually. I simply know that we likely are not very compatible in our views towards sex.
It's always the SAME thing. I start dating them, taking it slow, and somehow one way or another, it's revealed that they've slept with X amount of people, I start hyperfocusing and thinking of their past ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. There is a term for this which is called "RetroActive Jealousy". It's a form of OCD that is when people focus on their partner's sexual past, constantly ask questions about it, get temporary relief and then do it all again.
I originally pinned this to my OCD but through counseling and deep reflection, I think it steps from my childhood / upbringing.
My Childhood:
I was brought up in a conservative home, where good morales and "doing the right thing" was pressed very hard. My mom had good intentions and did what I assume she thought was best for each of us kids but I think her approach towards sex has caused me to be judgmental with it.
I received "the talk" in 3rd grade and it went something along the lines of this - "Sex is special and should be reserved for husband and wife. You do not want to sleep around and should save yourself for marriage. That is fair to your partner, as you do not want a woman who has slept around either. There was much more discussed than that, but that was the take away.
My mom finished off the conversation by stating she had waited until she married my dad at age 29, before losing her virginity. I grew up respecting my mom for that and thinking "Man, my dad is so lucky. He doesn't have to think of any other guy being with my mom sexually". I think this contributed towards me creating some unrealistic expectation on the women I consider dating.
I would like to finish this by saying I realize I am the problem and it has tarnished any potential relationships. I have casually dated 12-15 women and none of them I would commit to because their sexual past bothered me so much. If I keep these women at arm's distance, I could give 2 craps about their past but the moment that I get emotionally involved, it affects me so badly that I dwell on it and truly experience some form of depression.
Strangely enough, this is the only area of my life that I feel I judge people in. If you were to meet me out and about, I'm extremely outgoing with a laid back personality. I enjoy having drinks, being the ring leader / center of attention, and cracking jokes. NO ONE would believe it if they were to hear I deal with this. I've dealt with it for nearly 12 years and just now am getting to the root of the problem.
What are some good ways rewire my thought process regarding this? Any good articles or books?
Thank you for your time and your thoughts!
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