I have an issue with a lot of online dating advice I see along these lines. I get that there’s an important balance. I mean, there’s nothing worse than being so focused on getting in a relationship that you have no concept of who you really are as an individual. But believe me, the whole logic of “if you just become good enough individually people will start lining up” is also ridiculous.
Problem one is that the entire outlook turns relationships into an almost individual, transactional thing. Like, if you can just bring enough to the table, eventually people will want the product that you’re offering. The truth is that relationships are interpersonal, and both people being impressive individuals doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship. In reality, communication skills and a strong concept of what you’re looking for and what you’re willing to compromise are as (if not more) important than being a great individual.
Problem two is that this outlook is passive. Sure, the working on yourself part is active, but the larger logical chain runs like this: if I work on myself enough, at a point I will be appealing enough as an individual that the right people will be attracted to me and then they will initiate and we’ll live happily ever after. Again, it’s not good to obsess about getting in a relationship at all costs, but getting in a good relationship is an active process. If you don’t go places, put yourself out there, try to meet people, and express your feelings about people openly, the odds of you getting in any sort of relationship are low—regardless of how many interesting hobbies you have, how well you dress and how much you bench. And, your only options will be those who have expressed strong interest in you, which gives you very little control over things and probably fewer options.
Here’s my advice: work on yourself, but don’t expect love to come out of it. Be great as an individual because that’s a worthy cause in and of itself. But, for the love of God, don’t just sit around and expect perfect Prince/princess charming to come out of nowhere and know exactly what you want and give you everything you need just because you’re individually awesome. Relationships are not individual activities, so why is there this narrative that total individualism is the way to get in them?? Think about what you really want in a relationship, find opportunities to come into contact with like minded people, and go for it when you meet someone you really click with. That is absolutely the best formula for getting in a relationship; don’t let TikTok tell you anything different.
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