After constant bullying, social rejection and over a decade of courtship attempts, without a single date to show for it i have reached my breaking point. Whatever self esteem i had left has withered away.
I was bullied my entire childhood based on my appearance (Red hair, smallest kid) and being the poorest in the neighborhood. I was beaten up and teased by the younger boys and the girls were cruel, tripping and biting me and one girl even stole my new shoes my Mom couldn't afford.
Teenage years were more of the same, bullying and torment. I was fortunate to have a big growth spurt (5'10 now), however i developed a large deformity in my chest that made me extremely self conscious and too shy to even bother dating. I moved away with my mom briefly to a new school where i was bullied so badly I decided to live with my Dad and commute 3 hours a day to my original high school.
I started hitting the gym, eating healthier and was living on my own at 18, my confidence was sky high. I tried dating but rebuffed multiple times until i met a girl in music school when i was in my early 20's. One day we ended up having some drinks and taking acid, one thing led to another and lost my virginity to her, i was on top of the world. She became distant afterwards, and ended up ditching me for my classmate. Not only that she accused me of raping her and blackmailed me, saying if she would go to authorities if my classmate knew we had sex. This ruined me for months
I just ended up focusing on my music, which has been a relatively successful endeavor and my job which pays nicely. The only sex i have had since then was from hookers, which is where i am currently at in my late 20's
Although the hobbies and money are nice, i have still not been able to get a date. I lost count but i am at well over 200 rejections (in person, not online) without a single date. Online was been terrible as well, with no tinder matches, and no bumble messages. I make girls laugh and they find me witty, but i'm guessing i am just too ugly and broken to deserve intimacy.
I guess i just needed to rant but all this rejection is seriously killing me inside and have no idea what to do.
*For anyone suggesting "Confidence" for dating, that is gained through experience, which i have unsuccessfully been able to obtain
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