Long dramatic post here :`) Okay so I met this guy at school and he was funny and we got along. I didn't expect to continue being friends after but he texted me and we started to going out a few days every week or month.
So, the thing is I realized I liked him a couple of months after meeting him for the first time. This is an idiotic fun fact but I have had big crushes on several girls but only two boys, him and another friend. And it makes me so scared that I may get a crush on my male friends??? Like. I have a lot of male friends and I don't have a crush on them. But the two (2) boys I have ever liked in my life were already my friends. And that worries me because I have anxiety and low self-esteem and it scares me that when someone treats me well it seems so wonderful i get attached too soon, like it means a lot for me, and nothing to them. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm just idek.
I tried to not think about him or at least not think about him /in that way/ several times and I have failed. Maybe some weeks or months i didn't have such intense feelings but they came back. So now I've liked him for more than one year and I have assumed I do like him.
I've told this to a couple of friends and they have asked me about whether I feel good when I'm with him, etc and yeah I feel happy with I'm with him. But I'm so confused. I don't have a lot of social skills and I have never had a relationship and I have zero experience in these things so I'm very confused. My friends told me to ask him to go out one day like you know alone to see how it was and wth that's what we most do but that's not a date?? I have gone out with just one person a lot of times (basically because of anxiety i feel so much better when I'm not with a lot of people) and well that's normal and it's not like super personal or deep??? Idk. Anyway, if my friends' experiment worked out, I do feel very happy when he is around. He is also introduced me to his friends and they are nice.
But yeah I don't think he feels anything at all for me. And it makes me worry about destroying our friendship and I don't want him to discover I like him but I want him to like me back at the same time. :( I have trust issues, low esteem and anxiety and I always feel like people hate me and I don't belong anywhere. I don't want to get dependable on him and I'm afraid he goes out with me because he pities me and my brain tells me he hates me, but he is always the one who suggests and he continues to talk to me so I guess he doesn't hate me and he is not bored of me. And I get so happy when he texts me, like I get a smile in my face, i feel like an idiot. I feel like this is very wrong for me to say, but I don't even know why I like him so much. He is not super beautiful but he looks so to me and he is very funny. He is very insensitive and a bigmouth and I am very sensitive so sometimes he makes me sad or mad but he's so cute I always forgive that even if it hurts. My friend told me there doesn't have to be a perfectly logical explanation to like someone, which is interesting.
I really like being with him and talking to him. I really don't want to end this friendship. I feel very uncomfortable because I like him and I could stop seeing him, but I appreciate a lot of our friendship, that would hurt even more than having a crush on him. So idek. Does anyone have any advice? I think the easiest thing would be to stop having a crush, but how do I do that? This is probably the biggest crush I've ever had.
All advices are welcomed and appreciated. Just not bad comments please
TL;DR I've had a crush oncmy friend for more than one year and it is making me feel very uncomfortable, but I don't want him to know and I don't want to end this friendship. What should I do? What can I do to stop liking him so I can just be happy being friends?
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