This might get long. Too long for most. But i want to write it primarily for my own sake. I will not add a TL;DR because there’s no easy way to summarize it. There’s really no question asked, but if anyone feels that they can chime in - I’m listening.
I’m a 25 year old man (soon to be 26) and in all honesty i have good life. At least on the surface, materially. I have good economy, a decent job, a nice car, i’m pursuing a professional education and my grades are high. I live alone in a house, i have my hobbies and i’m independent and responsible.
In my teenage/early adult years i suffered from social anxiety. This have caused me to miss out on relationships in life that others of my age now are experienced in. I have never really been partying with my peers or been outgoing. Instead i’ve mostly enjoyed my own company, i’ve been reading quite a bit and developed my hobbies in music and nature photography. Video games have never been anything for me. My social anxiety is gone to maybe 85% these days and the last 4-isch years my personality have blossomed and i’m more comfortable in myself than ever before.
Since my life experiences are trailing behind i’ve felt scared to put myself in new situations, which has resulted in that i only have 2 close friends who i see regularly (except for my brothers which i hang out with a lot), and i went on my first ever date at the age of 24. Dating is still the hardest part for me, yet to this day i haven’t even kissed a girl, which i’m ashamed of and i’ve never told anyone. My best friend is actually an attractive girl with a big social life. I know how to talk to girls and i’m not an awkward creep. But still i’ve only dated 2 girls in my entire life. Both have enjoyed my company. But sometimes i’ve been so nervous that i was throwing up before going out to meet up. But the hard anxiety/nervousness seemed to vanish once i went out.
I have went to private therapy on and off for several years, in the beginning focusing on my social anxiety, and then transcending into general self improvement and personal growth. This has helped me tremendously in life. I like the idea of taking responsibility for your own health mentally and physically. Luckily i’ve always been very verbal and able to dress my thoughts into word, and i’m also well-behaved so i know how to make a good impression. This is something i’ve got credit on from colleagues, friends and my psychologist. But it is also a part of my problem. I feel the need to over perform to the level of perfection in social situations, which was/is the root of my social anxiety.
Even though i’ve finally been out on a few dates, it’s still the most horrifying thing for me. Last time was some 8 months ago. I also live far off so just spontaneously meeting up with someone for a date is undoable basically. For the dates i’ve been to, i’ve had to travel for 2 hours one-way. Also the fact that i have no intimate experiences makes me very afraid of judgement and rejection.
For the past year i’ve developed a long-distance friendship (i’d call it) with a girl i’ve yet never met in person. We face time a lot and compliment each other and plan to meet some day. We like each other. Recently she asked about my relationship history and i answered honestly without making an awkward deal out of it. I told her that i’ve only been dating a little bit, and started with that later in life, and that i never had a girlfriend. She is experienced and have had several relationships before. We know each other so well by now, that she’s already familiar with my history of social anxiety.
I know that the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone. Sometimes i feel desperate almost. I’ve always had the attitude of only wanting to have sex for the first time with someone i trust and have some sort of emotional connection to. But since the intervals and frequency of dates are so long, it feels hopeless, and the older i get, the more difficult and unacceptable it feels to be unexperienced in relationships and intimacy. And there doesn’t seem to be any change in sight. I can’t see a way forward in this.
On one hand, my situation is really starting to eat on me. Sometimes i cry for my loneliness. On the other hand, i enjoy my own company most of the time, i’ve always been somewhat of a loner, and even my first teachers in junior school noted me as a shy kid who was best suited in smaller social contexts. As mentioned, except for my brothers i only have 2 close friends, so my social circle is pretty limited (very occasionally i hang out with their friends in a bigger circle, when it’s a birthday for example). But most of the time i’m surrounded by a state of solitude. I live close to the ocean and something i really like to do is to go out to the coast line (preferably in the evening) and just sit on the rocks and look out. I’m kinda philosophically inclined and i reflect a lot on life.
Bottom line. I mostly feel ambivalence and solitude in my approach to dating. I’m questioning if it’s even possible to find someone, or if it’s even worth it. I started by saying that i have a pretty good life. Despite everything i’ve written so far, this holds true. There are points to improve, but i’m proud and mostly happy with myself. The fear that i feel concerning dating resolves around the pain and anxiety of getting rejected or judged.
P.S. This post is not about self-loathing and self-victimization. That’s something i do not like at all. I don’t seek sympathy and i was hesitant to even post this, for random anonymous people to read. It is merely an attempt to summarize my own thinking, an attempt to structure my situation in a letter. An outlook on my life.
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