PS : I wanted to post this question on r/AskWomen but it got insta-deleted so idk I'll ask here I guess.
Hi everyone.
So first of all, I'd like to preface that I'm a man reaaally lacking experience in relationships overall (by this I mean no gf, virgin, no nothing, nada, void) and that's why I'm asking in the first place, I'm here to learn and I learn by gathering as much point of view as possible.
I'm in a point of my life where if someone said to me "Don't mind dude it will happen when it will happen" I'd answer "Yeah I guess" but in my inner me I'd be like "Really ? How ? I just can't see that happening".
I've been reading some discussion here and there , talked to a few people a bit IRL too, about dating, flirting, relationships, sex, etc ... but mostly on the man spectrum. Most of my observation tend to the conclusion that : 1. Dating is hard, really hard, and you don't have much control on the narrative of the situation 2. A LOT of men seem to suffer from light loneliness and depression because of it.
From the (very) few information that I have gathered from women, it seems to be a bit different, but not for the same reason, and not a the same stage because the dynamic of dating just seems to not be the same for men and women. I've tried to find an explanation about this difference, here are the big axis (axies ? Axises ? Does axis have a plural ?) that seem to create this dynamic and lead to this situation for men :
• One general observation that seems to be different for men and women : women struggle to meet someone good where men struggle to meet, at all. Lots of women tend to attract unwanted attention that could lead to bad situation, where men struggle to even have some attention, which makes girls more selection and guys less.
• Context : They are countless way to meet someone that could be your SO but from what I know, most situation happen to be one of those : it's a friend, it's a friend of a friend, it's a coworker, I met him/her in a party/club/bar, I met him/her on my hobby, and of course, dating apps. But this is a point that can collide to a lot of bad situation : - Hitting on a friend can lead to just lose a friendship or making it awkward if it doesn't reciprocate. (And not everyone has friend, a bit surprising I admit, but today it's more and more the case) - note everyone go to clubs and bars etc, and however people go there to have fun, but do they go there to meet people ? - Work should be professional - I do my hobby to have fun, not flirt/be hit on Which finally leave dating app as one of the few safe terrain for dating (by safe I mean "I know this place is for dating, won't be bothered by something else"), which leads to :
• Dynamic of dating app : on those app, every women can eventually interact with every men, however a single statistics seem to change the dynamic of the situation : They are WAY more men than women on those apps, which lead to a classic case of offer/demand where the smaller group can pick on the best in the bigger group. A bit of an exaggeration of the first point.
• A bit of biology : Mating is a process hardcoded in our brain, to ensure survival of the specie, so everyone (or at least most people not struggling to just survive) want to find someone to mate. However, consequences of mating are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay different for a man and a women. For a woman, mating can lead to a period of 9 suffering month where she is more in danger that the rest of the time, and finally raising a child long enough for it to be autonomous (I'm talking biologically here, of course they are two parents that should take care of the kid here, but monogamy is a societal norm not a biological one, a male having lots of female partner is a good way to ensure survival of the specie). For a man, those consequences are basically null. Which make once again women/female to be more selective, where men/male can adopt more of a "shotgun" approach
• Societal norm : They are a lots of them - First the old, "traditional" norms that come from cultural background (lot of religion in that case) that lead to lots of ... "préjugés" ? "Cliché" ? (Sorry I'm french I'm loosing my words, assomptions maybe ? ) and double standards regarding dating and sexuality : men being providers when women being provided, women shamed for their sexuality (because point n°4) but not men, women should take care of kids, men should be the pillar of the family so no weakness is allowed ... However, lots of those principles (a bit outdated imo) collides with the way we live today : - In our modern world (here I'm speaking mostly of occidental countries, and today in 2020... No 2021, we're in 2021), women do not need a man/family to survive (everything is not perfect of course, they're still lots of sexism and discrimination that prevent people to do what they want, but it's waaay better than a few decades ago), which wasn't the case before, thanks to a real equal access to education, equal laws, support, etc... - Feminism and it's impact on social expectations : Feminism exist since centuries, tackling lost of those préjugés to create a real equality between men and women, a lot has been done, and it's not finished yet. An interesting fact about this is that expectations of women overall is changing more and more : being and Independent women isn't something special, women of course have sexual needs and expectations regarding who they date. Women can look however they like because they are human beings not breeding machine. Most people agree to all of this, but I don't know if it's the same for men nowadays : a men should be independent by default and if there's something wrong he has a problem, if you don't attract women and they don't want to be with you you MUST have a problem, small dick joke, and if you cry you're not a real man because real man don't cry (which is stupid I know that, but it's still a big expectations that a lot of people have), what I mean is that men didn't really had a "Manism" movement like women had with Feminism (because historically men didn't need one I guess) - A somehow tricky one, the cost of life : during these last 50 years the world has changed a looooot, we live in one of the most peaceful era of humanity (it's not perfect of course, they are still wars in the middle east, an angry boi in Korea doing brutal stuff, but we left a century where ~60 millions people died in 5 years during WW2, and dudes that almost nuked each other) with technologies that no one could have guesses 50 years ago, more people having high grade education, good health etc... However, when these things are not exceptional anymore, living become more a more costly. Today living without a qualified job is getting more and more difficult (and I learned that 2008 really fucked all of you here in the USA). This leads to people having multiple jobs, leaving at their parents till late, struggle with everyday life (and you don't want to mate when you're struggling to survive in the first place, point n°4). This is something, for men, that largely collide with the "independent men" argument raised earlier : Not much women want a men that has control on his own life. And it's actually the same for women from men, but there's like a different "threshold of tolerance" for women imo.
• Last point, divertissement : Like I said earlier we live in a relatively calm era of the world, and when we don't have to flee a or fight a foreign enemy country/tribe/whateverthatwanttokillus, we spend our life diverting ourself and just enjoying living. Today divertissement are way more developed than before : sports, music, film, video games, internet, and more of them getting more and more indoor with progress of technology (and covid also) make us having less social interactions (which is paradoxical with the fact that we can literally communicate with everyone on the planet easily). For dating, porn is IMO the worst of them because it replaces sex (and in parallel having and SO, dating, mating, etc...) for more and more people, and I mean I'm guilty of this myself, it's way harder for me to go outside talking to someone that doesn't even want to talk to me than a quick wank on the orange YouTube.
All those points seem to lead to a situation where less men want to date because of the struggle that it is, which lead to a lack of social affection for a lot, and something depression and loneliness. Now I try to think on my biases, I'm a man I don't have all the POVs, I'm on Reddit and Reddit isn't the real world, I'm still young and don't have much of living background, and I'm obviously lacking experience regarding dating and relationship in general. That's why I'm asking for your points of views.
Thank You and have a nice day.
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