I feel really stupid about having spent a few years thinking that I'm straight and what I feel for my friend is completely platonic. It's absolutely ridiculous that I realize it now that I was wrong. Now it makes so much sense. It makes sense that I stopped dating a while ago. And that I would feel so relieved whenever my friend would stop seeing someone. Also now I know the explanation for the waves of heat whenever he would touch my arm, my thigh or hug me. It's like everything's falling into place.
On the other hand though, it kinda complicates everything. My friend is most likely exclusively straight. He gets either offended or finds it unbelievably hilarious whenever someone mistakes us for a couple. Which obviously gives me mixed signals. I don't know if I ever want him to find out. I don't want to waste our friendship. But also I don't know if I can move on from this. Especially that we live together. I don't know if I can just bottle up my feelings and let myself suffer like this. I don't want that. There's also the issue with my family. And our friends. I'm not 100% certain they'd approve of this potential relationship. For different reasons.
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