Slowly over the course of the last 6 months, I realized I've developed feelings for one of my close friends. I've never had feelings for a friend or dated someone who started off as a friend, so the entire thing feels so confusing and difficult for me. I have no idea what to do.
We met in a friendly context, when he dated a friend of mine who was part of my main friend group. So we weren't close friends, but I'd see him around in group settings. I never thought twice about him in ANY romantic way while they were together and I was dating other people during that time. They broke up over a year ago and she moved away to a different country and fell out of touch with all of us. For no particular reason, just moved away and started a new life. And so since then, he stayed and became a huge part of our friend group. I remember at first thinking how cool it was getting to know him better as a person—just as himself—instead of just someone's "boyfriend." We hang out every week, if not several times a week, and have been spending more time one on one.
A while ago, as we've been becoming better friends, I started picking up on a vibe between us. Or at least, what I think is a vibe. First it was body language—I'd always catch him looking at me in a group and feeling tension when we'd be sitting close together. And then it was other things: he would verbally express nervousness around me, saying things like "Sorry I look kind of messy right now, I just came from the gym" and "I didn't want you to see me doing that." At one point this winter, I briefly went out with someone and when he heard about it, he texted me about it saying I deserve the best and wishing me well. Later on, he asked me if I was still talking to this guy and looked visibly uncomfortable and quiet, and didn't say anything after I told him we're still somewhat talking. One time, he and I hung out with one of his friends, and at one point he randomly turned to me and started saying "Oh, by the way, she and I aren't together. We're not dating or anything!" talking about his friend who was right there and looked pretty confused by that outburst. Since I've been able to acknowledge my feelings towards him to myself, I can feel myself be more flirty, affectionate, and touchy with him. I've instigated more hangouts just the two of us and we've been texting more. The other week, we went out with all of our friends and at one point, I realized our legs were pressed together under the table...
I'm getting to my wit's end with all this sign reading though. I really think there's something there, but as soon as I get hopeful, I find a million reasons to talk myself out of it. Probably as some sort of defence mechanism. The thing is, he's an introverted, awkward, sensitive, and respectful towards women. He's such a great person. But I don't see him ever making a move...
So what should I do? I want to talk to him and just ask him, "Have you ever thought about us as more than friends?" and see what he says. But we never seem to find the "right" moment and I just don't think it'll ever come. I think it's time for me to do or say something—I don't want to waste more time and energy wondering. I'm about to take a lengthy trip and he has the spare key to my house, so I thought about leaving him a little note telling him that I've been thinking about us as more than friends. And that way if he has too, we can talk about it when I'm back. And if not, we can continue on being really good friends. Maybe the time and space while I'm away will be good for each of us to think about it? I really don't know... it's starting to eat me up inside. Any advice?
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