This almost falls under relationship advice, but truly, you have to apply it at the dating stage in order for it to matter.
I’m a serial monogamist. I’ve been in seven major relationships spanning from when I was 18. I’m 30 and currently in what I believe to be the final relationship of my life. I’m happy to commit to her, spend life with her, and so on.
Friends and family agree we are perfect for each other. It’s been pretty fucking cool.
It’s tough to admit the patterns of self-victimization that I’ve been a part of. Friends and family are always skeptical of the quality of my relationships, often outright telling me that certain behaviors my partner’s have shown are abusive or unacceptable. We’d eventually break up, I’d meet someone new, and repeat at least one piece of my relationship pattern.
I’ve done my best to reflect on, target, and dispose of all the behaviors that have made me a human doormat to my female partners. I’ve been unhealthy for them as well. I truly believe it has little to do with selection.
Sure, a man can choose a partner who is narcissistic and outright physically abusive. These rare cases are the exception. Most women aren’t crazy or ‘emotional.’ Their capable and loving; they’re also human and open to behavioral conditioning. We all are.
Here are three of the things I learned to stop doing. Once I relieved myself of each behavior, I offered a better path for my partner to treat me how I feel I deserve to be treated. Parts of this may feel obvious. But they weren’t for me, so maybe they’ll help someone else.
I Stopped Being Dishonest About My Emotions
Being honest with myself about when I am angry or sad is huge. My parents did that gaslighting thing where you tell a kid, “you’re fine” or “you have no reason to be upset.”
The result was me not trusting my emotions at all. I didn’t think I could be angry. I would, on a timer, become an emotionally sad mess. I would cry to a friend in confidence. Then go back to bottling it up. Recognizing your emotions and emotional health is key.
By bottling up your emotions, and being okay when you’re actually bubbling with ire, will show your partner that the things they do are acceptable. Instead, learn to confront your partner in a constructive way.
Say things like, “Ooo that kinda stung. Do you think we could talk about why you said that?”
Or, “When you eat all my guacamole, it makes me feel emotional. Can we talk about you making more guacamole?”
Once I spoke frustrations instead of hiding them, I was able to constructively problem solve, which is now my favorite thing. Letting it out in a reasonable way tends to take a fiery pit of frustration, and tame it into a bit of boiling water. Where you can brew some love tea.
You get what I’m trying to say.
How To Do That
I’m still learning but start with being honest with people when they do something that upsets you. Don’t give into your Irish heritage and grin and bear it. Find constructive ways to communicate and criticize to build effective forms of problem solving into your life and emotional issues.
In your journal, write about emotional health. It's funny, I’ve had a personal development journal for a decade. Never once did I mentioned a negative emotion in it. Write about when you were angry. Write about whether you did something about it, or if you communicated that minor frustration to the person who you feel trespassed you. Write whether or not you feel it was valid, or if you were actually upset about something else and angry with someone by proxy. These are important.
Meditation helps.
After you make the changes, you’ll most often be met with empathy rather than frustration. If you’re already in a relationship with bad patterns, be the first one to make a change. Never expect your partner to follow through immediately. Find patience. Be stronger.
I Stopped Love Bombing And Overcommitting
I always see this mentioned in the narcissist list of evil tools. And yet, I see it all the time in my friends relationships. I think love bombing applies to our instant dating hookup culture in a big way. We allow people to enter our lives and soak up all our time. I think love bombing can happen on accident, or even be a two party event. Be open to there being “Benign occurrences” as explained by psychologist Oliver James.
Yes, love bombing is usually coupled with a second behavior and cycles of abuse. Quid pro quo, or sudden negative reinforcement. I don’t consider the kind of outright love/hate/apology sequence the only kind of love bomb a person can drop.
Often, I didn’t feel like it was sinister intentions on my behalf. I would run out of steam. I would think, “Hey, I cook a lot. maybe I can focus on my business for a week and they’ll pick up the slack.” They wouldn’t. I showed them that it was my job to cook. And generally they expected me to keep going. Even if I kindly explained the situation, it still leaves your partner feeling like they got a raw deal. You showed them you were capable of x. Now you’re saying you need y.
Early on, our partner asks to come over. You fear they won’t like you saying no, and maybe they’ll scroll tinder if the boundaries are unclear. So you say yes. You don’t want them to feel like you didn’t want them over, so you cook a meal. It makes them feel loved. And this is the slow drip of accidental love bombing. Neediness from one person met by insecure performance of another.
This behavior commonly left me doing house work, running my business, giving massages, giving gifts and getting next to nothing in return. I’d stick around hoping they’d change. But really, I’d already changed them. I showed them early on the way it would be, they just stuck with the deal.
How to Avoid Doing This
Set lots of time boundaries up front. Never ever cancel a plan for a new relationship. Have the personal security to not over reach early on. Be romantic, but be reasonable with the everyday stuff.
Don’t be afraid to ask for things. Ask often. Let them tell you no, and feel no attachment to their rejection. From cooking to a foot rub, ask. And most people like this. People like to feel wanted. The difference between wanted and used is a balance of effort from both parties.
Work hard. Bring plenty to the table, and split everything. An American (my culture) woman who is ready to split everything 50/50 with you is a good sign. Even if you want a family where she stays at home, you know she’ll bring a work ethic to the table that motivates you. My current girlfriend took me to sushi and paid for our first date. We hadn’t talked about who was paying and she took the check. We talked about healthy habits, decided super slow was best, and went on a date to a concert two weeks later. I paid. It doesn’t have to be a weird at-the-dinner-table check splitting conversation.
Be self aware. Think to yourself, “What am I showing her about me right now?” She gets upset and says something that hurts you, and you rub her back afterwards with no apology. You’re showing her that rudeness gets love. Similarly, don’t be rude or angry and then let her coddle you. You’ll teach yourself to be an asshole.
I Stopped Being Halfway Honest About Sex and Monogamy
If you and your partner have different ideas about sexual security, then you’re going to have a bad time. This has a spillover effect into every other thing in your relationship. From fights about money to fights about the kids; it’s so often truthfully about that girl you looked at or that shirt she wore to drinks with her friends.
Before my most recent relationship we played a hypothetical game of what if. We talked about every sexual scenario. Dry spells. What she thought constituted cheating, what I think constitutes cheating. We talked about who we thought was attractive and what we think we need. How do we define flirting? How do we define friendships of the opposite sex and what exactly is too far?
The craziest part- we were 100% honest.
Conversations like these need to happen early and often. Lay a good foundation of understanding. Don’t be shy about your opinions. If you disagree, compromise. If you can’t compromise, move on. Don’t set yourself up for long term failure because you can’t live with her wearing heels to work (or whatever.)
Also, if you're like me and quite possibly a little on the spectrum. Create a calendar. Learn when her period is. Set an alarm 14 days before her next period. Then remember to pay attention to her for the next four days. Ovulation is when you need to be most aware of flirtation, and when she be most likely to be frustrated with you for not getting it.
Bonus: This Weird Thing Helped
Six months in, we wrote a contract with our views on it and signed it at the bottom.
We wrote down who we were. How the other person saw us, and what the expectations of the relationship was for both of us. How would dishes work? How would all bills and budgeting work? Who handles planning, vacations, scheduling, and following up on that Amazon package? It’s all in the contract. Unorthodox. But It’s working.
Good Luck Out There
Be thoughtful. Be loving. Might write follow up, I don’t know.
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