We dated during last summer, things were going pretty good, she told me a couple times things like I had stolen her heart, and we would talk very lovingly. However it was my first attempt at a something like a relationship and we didn’t do everything perfectly. We didn’t communicate too well and so she eventually felt too uncomfortable with some personal issues she didn’t want to discuss and asked me if we could go back to being friends. I told her I had no problem, I didn’t consider us anything else than good friends who liked and cared for each other, and then she told me “Wow you’re so mature... but hey let’s keep dating”. So I wasn’t really sure what that meant, but I said sure. I just like connecting with her, she’s so damn smart and analytical, so I don’t mind if she just wants a friendship, she’s someone I appreciate having in my life in whatever way.
However I could tell she was still into me, I’d often catch her looking at me, and we even kissed at two parties later on. But I guess her worries grew and again she told me she didn’t want us to kiss anymore. And again I told her I was fine with that. We then went out a couple times, we talked about how we felt and tried to figure out what to do. She said she didn’t want any physical affection since it leads to things getting complicated, but she likes me a lot and doesn’t want things to end.
So I sent her a message telling her how I felt and that if what’s best for us is a platonic friendship where we just care for each other without being anything I was perfectly fine with that, but then she said “I would love to keep going out, maybe not as often, but we always see each other at friends outings anyways”. And I love spending time with her, she’s truly the girl I can connect the best with by far. However I noticed I was blowing off great friends who wanted to spend time with me, and I would cancel on them just to see her at some party, where we couldn’t really talk or be with each other. And I realized I was sacrificing a lot for her, and I’d always use my free time/weekends to see her, and she wasn’t really looking to spend any time with me, which made me realize I was being unjust to the people who did. And thus I decided to stop pursuing her and I would only go to outings I genuinely wanted to go, not just to see her. And I started prioritizing the people who prioritized me back.
Then two weeks passed and I didn’t hear from her, I realized that if I didn’t ask I wouldn’t get invited to her outings, and so I just went with all the friends I was blowing off before. And then she messaged me. We talked for a bit and I told her I’d love to see her, and we met for drinks and talked for a couple hours. It was great, she invited me to a party she had that night, but I was leaving very early the next day and I told her I’d rather not (something I had never done), I was exhausted and had to wake up early. I felt she was a bit disappointed or something, she stared at me as I left, but I didn’t really understand what did she want. Did she want me to go to the party, feel tired all weekend, just to see her from afar at a party? I later saw her on an outing on Monday and she was somewhat distracted and distant.
TL;DR: I don’t know what to think. I mean, I still find that when I go on dates with other girls we just hit a ceiling where we can’t connect further, she’s the only one that can understand anything we talk about and give me fascinating insights. I would like to go out again but I have no idea where’s she’s at. I’d love to talk to her about where we stand, but it could come off intense to just ask. I hate the idea that we might never talk about it, and I often consider just sending her a letter with everything I feel, hopefully inspiring her to do the same.
All in all I don’t know what to do. What do you guys think?
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