I find myself in a major complex.
Last October, a girl started to work with me. Not only did her beauty blow me away, but I found out that we shared a lot in common. Over the course of the next three months, her and I went on a few dates. This girl was perfect for me. Despite her not being a "10," I found her incredibly attractive, and she enjoyed a lot of what I enjoyed. Our final date was towards the end of January. When I was driving her home, I asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship, and the answer she gave me implied yes. I was on cloud, fucking, nine. Not only was I going to be a boyfriend, but a boyfriend to her specifically.
Unfortunately, she led me on for the next two weeks, before ultimately telling me she did not want to be in a relationship with me, and then finally lied to my face at work. I broke down in tears at the register, and the next day I was admitted into a psych hospital. I was admitted again a couple weeks later. Since then, I have been placed on anti-depressants, and anti-psychotics, which I have changed numerous times, I have changed therapists, I have started seeing a psychiatrist, I began weightlifting routinely, I picked up guitar again, and I have started to work elsewhere. Note that everything unraveled back in February. It is now August.
I am aware that there are many women out there, but I always come full circle, and my heart falls back to her, even though I know we will never be together. It breaks my heart. The thing is, I legitamtely do not know how to overcome thinking about her, and or missing her. There are times where a guy will be talking about his girlfriend, and they will mention something that somehow relates to her, though not specifically, and I will want to murder that person. I'll be honest, and admit that my anger and sadness, has evolved from me envisioning hurting myself, to also hurting others.
People have told me multiple things, such as time heals, this is temporary, and work on yourself.
I have been attempting to improve both my mental and physical state for months on months, and while I may be stronger physically, the scars remain emotionally.
Right now, I feel trapped. Trapped in a trap that I will never escape. People say that in order to attract others, you must first learn to love yourself, and enjoy being alone. My problem is both my mom and I believe that the only way for me to overcome wanting her love, is to find someone else. If this situation that I have just laid out is in fact true, I am afraid that I am doomed for the rest of my life. Not a day goes by where I don't think of ending my life to escape this horrible pain that I would not wish upon anyone.
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