I (23F) have been with my current partner (26M) for about a year, on-off. We first dated for 4 months before I broke off with him because I was still in post-secondary, and I didn't have enough time for my studies, him, and my personal life (ie.: hobbies, going out with friends, etc). I met a couple of other suitors during the time we were off, before realizing he was my best match. We've just hit our 3 month recently and he's been saying that he's really serious about me, hinting at future plans like marriage, etc. The topic of having kids came up and he told me he really wanted a one, however, I'm on the edge about it.
Since a young age, I've always disliked children -- I've worked with them at a March break camp before, and they've just tired me out so much. It doesn't help that my entire social media feed these days are all baby/pregnancy content, and there are a lot of women stepping up and revealing the "truth" behind pregnancy, the aftermath, and how so many are now regretting having kids. Yes, creating a family is normal, but I guess the thoughts of labor, post-partum, post-partum depression, basically losing sleep, hair, and being in constant fatigue, are things that make me turn the other way of motherhood.
Finance is also a bigger hurdle too, especially in our current economy. I'm fresh out of college, but both mine and my partner's jobs aren't that high paying. Although I'm in STEM, it's difficult to find a career in my field, so I'm stuck to a slightly-higher-than-minimum-wage office job. I think there's an expectation that I should and will be the breadwinner because of the field I studied... except it's not in demand in the job market. I'm also in a lot of student debt as well. I want to save up to permanently move out of my parents' place, get a car, and adopt a pet. With all of these bigger plans and savings, I don't really think starting a family would be financially possible. I had a co-worker who spent 4 years saving up for a down payment for her house with her now-husband -- she's pushing 30 years old now. I feel that with how things are so expensive these days, children will just add more to the costs.
I asked my partner why he wanted one and he said he wanted to pass down his bloodline, and hopefully have someone take care of him when he gets frail and old. To that, I wonder if it's more of a selfish request. I also asked him what he would do if I didn't agree with him; would he leave me? He hesitated before saying he would still be with me but be very disappointed. That makes me guilty, but at the same time, it's my body that has to suffer the consequences. In terms of finances, he mentioned he will help save up money too. However, my co-worker and her husband spent 4 years to save up together for only the down payment, and he has a significantly higher wage. Mental health is also a factor too. Although I would say my mental health has been slowly improving (with the help of therapy), I've struggled with body image for a long time. I feel that post-partum will be the thing to trigger it...
It's true though, I have to be the one who also wants the child as well, or else I'd end up being a horrible mother. I wonder if I'm just wasting my partner's time, despite him saying I'll "grow out of it" because I'm only 23 and this whole family thing is for the distant future. My mother has always told me that the health implications with pregnancy only increases the older I get. My cousin (on my mom's side) got cancer at 40 when she was pregnant because her hormones triggered the cancer cells. As cancer seems to be in my family's genes, it sounds more than likely I might have it one day too. Perhaps pregnancy hormones might just do it for me too.
On the other hand, I wonder if I should just give in and give my partner what he wants. He seems like one of my better matches in the dating pool, and I wonder if I'm just settling because I don't want to go through the whole painstaking "getting-to-know-each-other" stage with others. Will I simply just "grow out of it"? I have a friend who hates kids but she has a little one now...
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