Hello y'all.
So I (29M) have had close to 0 relationship experience, but I've been trying to change that recently. This is going to be a bit long, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I was of the mindset (perhaps mistakenly so) that I had to focus exclusively on school and my profession, so I didn't want to date because I thought that would negatively impact me. But I have not finished my undergrad yet (working on that) and there is no profession to speak of (yet). At some point, I realized that I shouldn't have to be perfect to enjoy the companionship of another person - whether it be short or long term, so I've tried my luck with the dating apps.
My luck is what you would expect, but long story short I was able to go out with two ladies so far (both listing that they were looking for "something casual, and friendship" on their profiles).
I thought that my first ever date with the first gal (23F) went really well. We had a good back and forth online and when we met for our coffee date we had a lot to talk about and we took a little walk around a park. Later that day, I texted her to tell her that I enjoyed our time together and I made plans for a second date. She agreed, but the day before the date she said she had a job interview at that time. She took it at that time because she thought I was no longer interested since I hadn't texted her in like 3 days. Part of me thought it was bs, but another part of me could understand how the lack of texting could be perceived as disinterest. This is where my lack of experience comes in. What is too much texting vs what is too little? I had no clue, nor do I pretend to. So I told her that I was definitely still interested and we rescheduled our second date. We had lunch, went to an art museum, then finished off with some ice cream. She even gave me compliments, which Im not used to but I also reciprocated. I thought it went really well, and she was the one to reach out first later that day. As the conversation developed the next day I made a little throwaway comment that led to us talk about mental health. She opened up a bit and I opened up a bit, and I thought that was a good sign. I said my good morning the next day, she responded, but she never responded to the text I sent later that day. I didn't worry too much at first. I know that people are sometimes busy with work and school, and that they can't get back as quickly as one would like. So I gave her time, but she never replied. What bummed me out is that I thought it went really well despite my lack of experience. But I had to tell myself that I can't spend emotional energy on people that don't give it back. I took it on the chin.
The second person (29F) I met was very direct and open about what she wanted. I figured that perhaps my mistake with the previous gal was that I never directly asked what she exactly wanted (I kind of expected for that to naturally reveal itself), so I asked this one almost immediately after matching. She wanted to find someone she could consistently have sex with, but she wanted to get to know the other person before doing so. I, being the sex-starved person that I am, was excited. The back and forth was good and we met for coffee a few days later. The first half of the date went really well, but then the second half didn't go that good. She asked me how my previous relationship experiences have been. I wanted to be honest, so I told her that I had never been in a relationship because I used to think that dating would negatively impact me but I said that I no longer believed that. She didn't seem to like that. She said that relationships require a lot of work and that she wasn't ready to be a teacher. I didn't know how to respond and it reminded me of those types of jobs that require unreasonable levels of work experience for what is basically an entry-level position. I didn't voice this. She then said she wanted to pick my brain about the type of person I was. Have I ever had anger issues? Again, I was honest. I told her that used to have anger issues when I was a teenager. I hurt people to stand up for myself, but we're also talking about like 15 years ago. I said that I probably do still have that simmering under the hood, but that it makes no sense for me to direct it at the people closest to me. I hardly ever voice my feelings, so I felt a bit vulnerable and a bit cornered. She also asked how sexually experienced I was. I told her I was very inexperienced. She again said she wasn't ready to be a teacher. I jokingly said, "how complicated can it be?" 😂😂😂 But I did say my style is to take care of the other person first. She then asks me if I'm more dominant or submissive. I honestly didn't know how to respond. I like being guided, but I don't think I've done it enough times to confidently say Im one or the other. She then asks me how I would approach being dominant. I went slightly non-verbal and told her I didn't know. I didn't want to say anything I couldn't back up and I could kind of feel she wasn't that interested by that point. After the date, we decided that we were at an impasse and we wished each other good luck in our searches. I can handle someone being a mismatch, but I was mainly confused by this. Like why does it matter that relationships require a lot of work if she was not looking for a long-term relationship? Why is it bad to be angry? I know I sometimes feel like a monster, but I know I'm not defined by my bad moments (from quite a while ago).
So I want some advice as to what lessons I can learn. I know I have to take it on the chin and keep going, but what can I learn to be better? It seemed that opening up emotionally (no, I didn't trauma dump lol) was the reason the 1st gal stopped texting. It seemed that not being emotionally "healed" and my lack of experience was the reason it didn't work with the 2nd gal. It can be easy to walk away from this and say to simply not open up and lie about your mental health and relationship/sexual experience, but I have the feeling that those would be very bad lessons.
[link] [comments]
from Dating Advice https://ift.tt/PjV84Eq
via IFTTT
No comments:
Post a Comment