I (20F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (21M) for a while now, and overall he is a great partner—loving, transparent, and caring. I trust him and don’t think he would cheat on me.
The issue is more about boundaries and what feels “special” in a relationship.
My love language includes playful roasting and silly banter (like jokingly threatening each other), and I see that as something intimate between us. But I’ve noticed that he talks in a very similar way with his female friends as well, and it makes me feel less special.
One situation that bothered me involved a girl who used to have feelings for him in the past. He rejected her back then, and they stopped talking. Recently, they reconnected—she now has a boyfriend and is a psychology intern who wanted to help him with therapy. They’re now good friends, and she knows about me.
I didn’t initially have an issue with their friendship, but I once checked his phone and saw that she had called him “babu.” When I brought it up, he said he immediately stopped her and she apologized and said she wouldn’t do it again. I believed him.
However, later when I saw their chats again (he showed me), their conversations still included playful and somewhat flirty banter like joking insults and lines like “you don’t love me anymore,” even if followed by “we’re just platonic.”
I’ve already told him that this kind of behavior makes me uncomfortable, and he said he understood and wouldn’t repeat anything that crosses a line. But to him, this type of banter is normal in friendships, while to me it feels like something more personal.
I don’t want to control who he talks to or ask him to stop being friends with anyone, but I also can’t ignore how this makes me feel.
How can I communicate this boundary in a healthy way without coming across as controlling?
What would be a reasonable expectation in this situation?
I feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend shares the same playful/flirty banter with female friends that I see as special in our relationship. He thinks it’s normal friendship behavior. How do I set this boundary without being controlling, and what’s a reasonable expectation?
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