Disclaimer: There's two kinds of people I find. The people who want advice and those who want pity. Those who want pity, no advice will work because they don't want advice, they want pity from women who will feel sorry enough for them to "take the chance" and "prove them wrong that nice guys don't finish last". Those guys will never succeed until they change their mindset. But it's not those guys I'm worried about. Those guys make their sad decisions. I'm talking about the guys who genuinely are open (maybe just a little) to fixing themselves.
Now if you know you're dealing with a guy who just wants pity, I don't knock you trying to say whatever gives you the least push back. In fact I do the same thing. I know when a person doesn't want to be fixed.
Disclaimer Over.
So I know why people say it. And this isn’t to attack people’s intention. It’s to make them realize what they are actually doing. I know that most people say “you do you” in the meaning of “be who you are!” “Find the person who likes you for you” and all that good stuff meant from a place of goodness. There’s also another famous saying. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” This is that way.
Here’s why. When someone comes to you for help (and not pity) it’s because whatever they are doing is not working. Or at least perceived by them to not be working. To tell them to keep doing what they are doing is to let them stay suffering in the first, and give them zero hope in the second.
Let’s say they are doing fine, but just not successful. That happens. Nothing too wrong but not Brad Pitt and girls will come along. I assure you, the man does NOT think that. Even if that’s the case. And to tell him “you do you” doesn’t do any reassurance that who he is is fine. It sounds like a cop out. If he is fine, you need to tell him so and use exact reasons. It’s like when women reply “I’m fine.” I mean, sure you MIGHT be fine or I’m going to regret what I did 5 minutes ago for a while. The answer is you just don’t know with such a simple response.
And to be truthful most of the people I see that ask for help NEED HELP. The phrase is a dismissive way to not take time out of your day to help someone who (honestly) might need more help than you think capable or you think that they won’t take the advice given to them. But to let a fat ugly neckbeard think he’s doing ok is like telling a meth addict who has no teeth and is bone thin “you do you.”
Also I think on a lower base level is very dismissive of who people are and what they are willing to do. (Again separating help from pity). To believe that people can't repackage if you will, their life or change their lifestyle to not "betray who they are", is so dismissive of people.
If you like video games, the solution isn't 'get rid of video games', the solution is 'find an additional hobby to add to your video game passion.' You don't know how to cook? Well learning how to cook chicken isn't going to betray who you are. It's called becoming an adult. Learning basic skills like laundry, proper hygiene, exercise, reading, is not betraying who you are anymore than expecting a 20 year old to not act like a 4 year old.
Helping someone become someone that another human being can rely upon is not something to be flippant about.
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