I understand that it is an important skill, and that it's not fair to make others ALWAYS make the decisions, but it is so, so difficult for me to make any decision or express any opinion especially if I don't know what the other person wants. It's like the words just won't come out. I recently started dating someone and at for a while he was okay to take the lead, but now I think he is getting very tired of my inability to make even minor decisions. He usually plays his own music in the car, but only because he knows I refuse to choose it. Lately he is trying hard I think to get me out my shell, so to speak. He asked me to a pick a song to play. When I got flustered and couldn't do it, he asked me to pick a genre. I wanted badly to just pick one but I couldn't. Finally he had to do it. He has been trying to get me to make decisions about dates, too, and I'm completely useless.
My preferences are so weak anyway and I'm genuinely happy with anything. I'm just really uncomfortable taking responsibility for things like this. I just want to do what they want. I hate the idea of inconveniencing someone, or of someone else not having a good time, or being bored, or uncomfortable, on my account, especially if I like them and want them to like me. He is always asking me what I like, where I want to eat, what I want to do and it's really pathetic because I have not once been able to make a decision. The poor guy has to decide everything. He never makes me feel bad about it but it's obvious that he is literally begging me to choose something, ANYTHING, to take the lead just one time. And I keep failing. Every. Time.
I can't even initiate sex with him, even when we are laying in bed and both of us are clearly horny. A little voice in my head just says "what if he doesn't want to?"
I realize that this is actually quite selfish of me, and that I'm essentially asking him, and everyone else I engage with, to shoulder the very same responsibility I refuse to. So why don't I stop? I think I am going to stay out of relationships from now on, until I fix myself, just to spare others. This is just one of countless expressions of my own lack of confidence that drive everyone around me nuts.
I'm in therapy and addressing this but progress is so so slow and there are so many more pressing issues to address.
Do any of you have any wisdom or advice?
Thank you. Eternally. I'm going to drive everyone insane. Including myself.
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